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Confession 17: I'm Tired of Making Decisions

This has been one of those weeks. You know the kind of day where tears seem close at hand, sleep is hard to come by, and you find yourself worrying but you’re unsure about what? I kept going over and over again in my mind - is anything wrong? no. am I upset? no. do I feel stressed? not really. did someone punch, kick, or wound me? no, because I’m a grown up and not in the 3rd grade. Hard as I tried though I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled. Sometimes we just have weeks or days like that.

If I’m honest, I suppose part of that feeling could be coming from the fact that I do have some big decisions that have to be made in the coming months. Big decisions means lots of questions. Questions that end with things like - what will the tax implications be for that - and other such confusing sentences. Big decisions mean that there is a lot resting on the final choice. This is the sort of thing that one needs input from others on. Someone to ask - well, what do you think we should do? Someone to pass the buck on to in case down the road you find that you’ve chosen poorly and need someone to blame!

You see, the challenge of being single is that there isn’t a “we” - as in what should “we” do. It’s just me. There isn’t anyone to talk to or check with on these sorts of things. I can talk it over with friends, but at some point the conversation reaches a place where they say - but ultimately it’s up to you. There isn’t anyone for me to look at dumbfounded and confused and say - you decide it’s too much for me. Too much or not I’m going to have to decide some things on my own. And this has been one of those weeks where I’ve felt that it was all too much for me. Couldn’t someone else make the decisions? Couldn’t there be someone else in the equation to bring calm and clarity into the mix? I’ll bring worry and confusion!

I’m tired of making all the tough choices. I mean seriously, big decisions should not be left to me on my own! There are mornings where I can’t choose between the only 2 pairs of clean clothes in the suitcase; days when I can’t decide between a cinnamon dolce latte or a white chocolate mocha. And yet, God thinks that I’m up to the challenge of making super important, big decisions on my own? Something is so not right about this.

In my frenzied and worried state I all too often accuse God - well, if YOU’d just give me someone to help instead of leaving me to fend for myself then I wouldn’t have to be making all the decisions on my own. I’ll take any help you want to give here, God, a husband, a personal assistant, a housekeeper. I mean even the apostle Paul had traveling companions. Could I get just a little help? Then I begin to throw a fit and before I know it I’ve (figuratively) thrown myself down on the ground kicking and screaming - why!? Why won’t you give me what I want? Why won’t you do for me what you do for everyone else? Why do you always leave me alone? Why do I have to do everything by myself?

And that’s when I have to pause and reflect on what I’ve just said and ask myself: Do I really believe that God has left me to fend for myself? Do I really feel that God has left me alone? Do I really think that God is unwilling to provide the answer that I need? Because when I stop I realize that at no point in my life have I ever really made a big decision “on my own” - it was always been with the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit. The answer has always come, albeit, with very strange timing. Never have I been alone - not once have I boarded a plane, got into a taxi, worked in any country, or been awakened in the night in my own home that I’ve not been aware of His hand in mine. Not once has God left me to fend for myself, but rather His faithful hand of provision has been stretched out to me over and over again and He has meet every need, answered every question (granted not always with the answer I wanted), and made a way through every storm. So why do I get so upset and get so worried? I don’t know. It’s interesting to me how quickly I forget all that God has done.

I’ve been reading in the Old Testament and I find that I get so annoyed with the children of Israel. “Give us a king,” they cried, “We want to be just like everyone else.” God gives them what they want and they still aren’t happy. They follow God for a generation and then fall away from the things of God. A new king comes to the throne and they return to God and then the next passage will say that after that the next king did evil in the eyes of the Lord. I sit and read and am disgusted by how quickly they forget all that God has done for them. I’m bothered by the fact that they aren’t happy being chosen by God and instead demand to be like the other nations. Hmmm. I guess I have more in common with these ancient people than I first thought.

Yet, in His great mercy God continued to show loving kindness to them and He continues to show it to me as well. Even in the midst of my questions and my accusations God is there reminding me of His plan for my life and of His faithfulness to me. When I stop fighting and start remembering then I find peace in those moments. The questions are still there. Decisions still have to be made, but not on my own. I can relax in the goodness of God and in the knowledge that if I ask God then He will answer and slowly bring clarity to the plan that He has for me. So, God, what should “we” do?!

Bottom Line: We all have questions and worries and decisions to make, but God has never left me or you to figure it out on our own and He’ll not do it now. If He was faithful in the past, and He has been, then I’ve every reason to believe He’ll be faithful in the future.


Wow! That was super long, but I’m really glad I got all that off my chest! I apologize if this has been more of a journal entry than my typical blog, but it was cathartic to write and I hope it’s been encouraging to someone.

Confession 16: Being Sick is Awful

I live alone and I love it. It’s peaceful and quiet and everything is in its exact place at all times - because wherever I put it is where it stays until I move it again! I do things at my own pace and in my own way. I don’t need to ask anyone before I do something - I just do it! No second calendars/schedules/plans to check with. If I want to buy new furniture/bedding/clothing there’s no one to consult - I just buy it! I love the life I lead. 

But, there are two times and situations when I don’t like living alone. The first one is when I can’t open something. I had serious thoughts the other day of throwing a brand new jar of salsa onto the tile floor with some force and then eating around the glass. But, I am woman, and I tapped and twisted and got out towels and hit the edges and emerged victorious, albeit with very sore hands, 5 minutes after I commenced trying to open said jar. 

The second time is when I’m sick. There is, quite frankly, nothing worse than being sick and alone. It’s not the actual loneliness that makes it so awful it’s the fact that you begin to think you might actually die from lack of nutrition because the thought of getting into an upright position, walking anywhere further than from the bed to the toilet, and then having to smell food while cooking - well, to say the least, it just doesn’t appeal to you. So there’s no eating for days. 

Another horrible thing about being sick and alone is that there is no one to clean up “the sickness” except for you. I once got sick on myself and my car, and then had to drive myself home. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed once I arrived and have someone to take care of me, but first I had to clean the car, change my clothes, start the washing machine, etc. (I’m aware that this blog has taken a nose dive and has become truly disgusting, but there are multiple single people reading this and nodding their heads - you’ve been there!) Cleaning up while still sick is just wrong, yet necessary. 

You see, misery really does love company, and if for no other reason it’s because misery needs a cook, a cleaner, a water-getter, a dvd changer, and a blanket put over-er. 

With flu season upon us, and having dealt with more than my normal share of sickness this year, I have compiled a list of things to do in case of sickness while living alone. 

1. The first thing you should do is stock up now on cold/flu medicine. You’re not sick, you say? You never get sick? Oh, really. Well, the last thing you want to do this winter is wake up ill - so ill that the thought of putting on pants in order to drive to the store to buy medicine makes you even more nauseous - with the knowledge that you don’t have anything in the house to take that will make you feel better and you must, therefore, venture outside. You should avoid this scenario at all costs. Buy the cold and flu meds ahead of time. Trust me. 

2. At the first sign of sickness immediately go to the store and stock up on food that can be eaten directly from the package. Believe me when I say that even opening a can of soup to put into a pan and mix with milk and then stir over a hot stove until it boils is too exhausting when you’re truly sick. What you want are things like crackers, refrigerated soup that needs a microwave only, bread to make toast, cereal, etc. You might even make up a sandwich ahead of time and put it in the fridge! If there are more than 2 steps involved (step 1 being walk to the kitchen) then you don’t want it while sick. Take it from someone who knows - prepackaged/preprepared/ready to eat food is the way to go when sick.

3. Create a sick station in your house. Go ahead and pull out the blankets, the extra box of kleenex, get a trash can close, and a bottle of water at the ready. Maybe pull a favorite book, preload the DVD player, and keep the laptop handy. Fill up the coffee table with all the necessary items so that you don’t have to go looking for it all while dizzy from pain meds. Now you’re ready to be sick.

4. In the event that you begin to slowly feel sick rather than a wake up in the night kind of sickness or if you need to recover from a pending surgery/procedure think through your list of local friends. Have you upset any of them recently? Done a good deed that could possibly now be returned? You’re going to need some friends so make sure they aren’t all mad at you! Then begin working your way down the list. It’s important to sound as sick/frail/pathetic as possible on the phone when you explain that you’re alone and sick and haven’t eaten in 3 days and have no way to get to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription. I was sick a few months ago and couldn’t have made it without a friend dropping in to check on me twice a day. I speak from experience here - keep your friends close and on good terms.

5. If you begin to feel sick and live anywhere near your mom then forget the above list and just get in the car and try and make it home. You should probably be praying the whole time that you don’t have to pull over on the side of the road before you get there! There’s nothing like having your mom when sick. As a friend said to me - sometimes you just need your mom to take one look at you and declare, “poor baby, let me get you something to make you feel better.” And whether that’s medication, a glass of water with a straw (who else but a mom has straws on hand?), a blanket, or a homemade oatmeal cookie - mom’s just make us feel better.

Bottom line: Living alone rocks until you’re sick so be prepared. Hope you all stay healthy this season!

Confession 15: I Love a Good Compliment

Recently I was in Wal-Mart. Now, you have to know that I hate Wal-Mart. Despise it actually. It’s a place I avoid like the plague. But, a new neighborhood market had opened up so I stopped by to pick up a few things. The weekend before I had bought a new outfit and was feeling fairly good about it. That feeling was escalated when a middle aged man re-stocking the tomatoes commented on said outfit. I walked pretty tall throughout the rest of the day, and then proceeded to wear that exact same thing twice more that week! Why, you ask, did I care what the slightly creepy Wal-Mart produce man said? Because when you’re single and you live alone and you’re in your 30’s you’ll take a compliment anywhere you can get it - regardless of the source! 

This got me thinking. Words are such a powerful thing. How we feel about ourselves can rise and fall with what others say about us or on what others don’t say about us. And for women we take great stock in what the other sex has to say about us and to us. We live for compliments. Now, we’d never admit to that because it of course makes us appear quite shallow. However, who among us doesn’t want to know that someone else finds us attractive, witty, smart, funny, beautiful, etc.? We all do. We crave compliments. 

The problem with craving compliments and being single (or being married to someone who withholds kind words) is that we rarely hear compliments that aren’t of the “I love your bag where did you get it” variety from other women. I’m sure many of you reading this are of drop-dead gorgeous stock and are beating off the lines of men after you with a stick, but I’m so rarely complimented on how I look or am dressed that when it does happen I get so flustered that I don’t even remember how to accept a compliment. In the second and a half that follows I tend to convince myself that this is a joke and then say in a super sarcastic voice, “whatever.” By the way, this is not the way to get complimented again!

So where are we compliment starved singles supposed to hear these wonderful words of approval, encouragement, and affirmation? Well, I’ve been spending a lot of time hanging out in the produce section - I may or may not be joking. 

I heard a song for the first time last month and it’s been playing over and over in my mind and taking root in my heart. A few of the words are, “He [God] whispers in my ear, tells me that I am fearless....and it makes me whole.” The chorus says, “I am all He says I am, I am all He says I am ... and He says I am His own.”* This has been blessing me in such a powerful way. It’s easy to get caught up in wondering what others think of me and yet God has already said some powerful things to me. God says that I am beautiful - because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His own image. God says that I belong to Him - because He bought me at the price of His son’s blood. When I take the time to listen and to hear from God I find that He has all sorts of things to say to me. God wants to speak to my heart and minister His love, His approval, His encouragement, His affirmation to me and to you as well. You are all that God says you are - let that sink in - and God says that you are His. 

Now, is this the same as hearing complimentary words from some living, breathing, real life human being who you want to notice you? Not at all. Does it take the place of being told, by the opposite sex, that you are attractive? Nope. Then how does this help? Because in those moments when you want so badly to belong, to be loved, and to be seen by someone - anyone - that’s when our incredible, loving God, gently whispers to us - You are mine and mine alone and I will be with you in the loneliness and I will love you with a jealous love that will make all others pale in comparison. And after you try and explain again to God that it’s still not the same you’ll find (I hope) a peace in this knowledge that you are all He says you are. 

Bottom line: I wore the same outfit 3 times in one week because a stranger spoke to me and I now enjoy Wal-Mart for new reasons. We all want to know that someone thinks we’re beautiful/handsome (I’m always writing to girls!), but if you’ll allow God to speak to you He truly will satisfy the longings of your heart. “He says I am His own!”

*Taken from the song “All He Says I Am” by Cody Carnes

Confession 14: I Love a Good Wedding

“It’s that time of year/ when the world falls in love/ every song you hear seems to say” we’re getting married! Yes, it is the season for weddings. Pinterest has become the 21^st centuries answer to the hope chest and Facebook has become one giant countdown clock to that special day. I’m thinking of starting my own countdown for just random things like – only 6 more days until the milk expires and the bread goes bad! When you live alone it’s the little things that excite you, like, for instance, using an entire carton of milk when you don’t drink milk on its own. So, yes, I too am counting things down.

Ok, back to the blog. It seems as if this year’s brides are the youngest ever. No, wait, scratch that, I’m just getting older! Due to my age and extreme maturity I’m frequently asked/told/cried to – all my friends are getting married what do I do? Or, will it ever happen to me? Well, here’s my best advice. Do you remember the passage at the end of the book of John that has nothing to do with being single or weddings or marriage? Let me remind you. Basically what happens is that following the resurrection Jesus comes to Peter and some of the other guys who are out fishing and then Jesus gives them breakfast which is extremely cool and is actually making me hungry. (As a side note I do have milk in the fridge that has not gone bad so breakfast may be happening while I type.) The breakfast hasn’t anything to do with how this passage fits in I’m just giving you some background. (Hey, I’m jet lagged and hungry!) After breakfast Jesus and Peter have this whole moment about feeding the sheep and a call is once again issued to Peter to follow Christ. It’s sort of a no matter what type thing – will you follow me. But, Peter being Peter, he has a question, “What about John?” Jesus says to him, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Now, all of that to make this one point: If God wants every single person that you know to be married except you then what is that to you? God has a plan and it’s still at work and the plan for you is to follow Christ – single or married. To paraphrase, “God, what about insert-name-here? Why is she getting married and I’m not?” And the reply comes, “What’s it to you if she gets married and you don’t? You must follow me.”

That’s my best advice. Keep following no matter what. However, just for fun I’ve included some extra bits of advice to help you out as you attend weddings this season. (There’s a completely different set of advice if you’re finding yourself at the end of college and playing the always the bridesmaid and never the bride role. Really the best thing there is to simply move out of the country and not be available for the wedding season.) Some of this advice should be passed on to the married population.

Sarah’s Guide for the Wedding Season:

1. It’s okay to cry

Contrary to popular belief single people can cry at weddings simply because (A) the bride looks beautiful, (B) we’re truly happy for the couple, or (C) we’re allergic to the flowers. If you see a single person tear up at a wedding do NOT assume it’s because they are wallowing in self pity in public. “Ooh, I bet she’s wishing it would happen to her.” Umm, most of us have more pride than that and will wait until we get home from the wedding and have opened a pint of ice cream before we take just a moment for ourselves.

2. I don’t want your bouquet

Due to the fact that I have readers who may not be familiar with this fantastic American wedding tradition let me explain. Towards the end of the reception someone long ago decided what would be a great idea is to call all the single women from toddlers to those still able to walk unassisted to come and form a semi circle and then the bride would toss her bouquet over her shoulder and whoever catches it will, wink wink, be the next bride. The originators of this custom apparently set down and thought what would be the most embarrassing thing we could possibly do to our single friends and this is what they came up with.

Here’s the advice – your friend knows she’s single and that’s probably why she ran to the restroom when they started forming the circle. Married people you don’t need to go find her and/or shout across the room, “Get on up there!” As much as I love your flowers – really, they looked gorgeous – I don’t want them nor do I want to stand up with children and play catch at your wedding. So next time take note – if your single friend doesn’t move on her own to catch the bouquet then take the cue and don’t mention it. Fellow singles be alert anticipate its coming and leave the room ahead of time!

3. Come prepared

The worst thing about weddings is that people feel the need the say awkward things to those who are single. Things like – it’ll be your turn soon, or some day when you’re the bride…, or how are you making it today? Do weddings make you sad? So the best thing is to practice a few confused facial expressions that can accompany your responses. I like to act like I have no idea what we’re talking about. For instance, in response to “it’ll be your turn next” I might say “I sure hope I’m next this line for cake is taking forever.” I find it throws people off. Be gracious to those who haven’t a clue, but remember that a stupid comment or question deserves a like reply!

4. Be happy for your friends

To my single readers - If you can’t be happy for your friend who is getting married then you are the worst friend ever. Seriously. The whole world doesn’t revolve around your personal happiness nor should your friends walk on eggshells around you afraid that their happiness will upset you and make you feel more alone. Get over yourself and be happy for him/her/them.

Ultimately, a wedding is a beautiful thing. It’s two people coming together to commit themselves to each other and to God. In this world that we live in they need all the support they can get from family and friends to help them honor that commitment. I know I need my friends to help support me in the life that God has given me and I want to be a help and encourager to my married friends as well.

Bottom Line: Get dressed up, go to the wedding, cry if you want to, catch or don’t catch the bouquet, have your witty response ready and enjoy the day. What’s it to you if all your friends get married? Your responsibility is to follow Christ.  

Confession 13: Singles Can Build Nests if They Want To

Recently I found myself in a conversation with a married person who began telling me how difficult her life has been while living out of suitcases and boxes for the last several months. She said she just couldn't wait to settle down in one place and stop living out of the suitcase. She chalked it up to “nesting.” The next words out of her mouth were, “That sort of living is fine when you’re single or in college, but, I don’t know, I guess once you’re married it’s just not fun anymore.” I had so many responses forming in my mind, but I think I went with something extremely profound like, “hmm, really.” I felt it was the best thing I could say because I could feel my blood boiling and I knew I was getting angry. Instead I chose to memorize the conversation so that I could blog about it later! But, here’s an outline of what I wanted to say.

I. Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? You’re really going to tell me how hard it is to live out of a suitcase when I do it for up to 4 months at a time?

II. Did you really just compare singles to college students? Or were you just lumping us all in together? How old do you think I am? Because maybe there’s actually a compliment in there somewhere and I’m the kind of person who will take a compliment any where I can get one.

III. Are you saying that only married people desire a home? That having a home and creating a warm environment and taking pride in the way we decorate said home is something that only happens once you get married and that the rest of us prefer to live on used furniture? (Do you feel the heat and sense that my blood pressure is rising?)

See, point III is simply not true, and it makes me angry that people seem to wrongly assume that parts of that ultra long, run-on sentence are somehow valid. And, now you know why I bit my tongue super hard when it came my turn to comment.

This brings me to nesting. You oftentimes hear this word “nesting” in reference to pregnant women, but when I went to Google it I found that it really just refers to building or occupying a nest (well, if you’re a bird) or it can mean creating and settling into a warm and secure refuge. In other words it’s about creating a home. Granted, most Google searches do bring up lists of expecting mothers type results, but that’s what the term has morphed into and not what it was originally about.

I’m not a mom, nor am I expecting to be one, but I am still a woman who desires to make my home into a warm and secure refuge both for myself and for others. There is something so wonderful about home. Many years ago I found myself longing for a home of my own, and a house where I could actually spend my time. I’ve sort of been a nomad since high school graduation, and I wanted to settle into a place where I could unpack my suitcase from time to time. This was during the years that Matt Redman’s song, Better is One Day, was wildly popular. The song is based on Psalm 84. I remember praying to the Lord about this desire to have a home – I suppose I was nesting – and one night in a service where I was leading worship I began to sing this song and God spoke so clearly to me that I began singing the song in a different way. The chorus says, “Better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere.” And that word “elsewhere” began to mean any other home including my own. I began to sing with such conviction and such understanding that regardless of where I lived or how I lived (packed in a suitcase or unpacked) what I truly desired above all else was to serve God and be wherever He was. I truly meant it that night, and every day after, that I would rather serve God and be a doorkeeper in His house than have a home of my own.

A few years later God blessed me with a beautiful home. I’m still a nomad and I still live out of a suitcase most of the time, but I do have a place to call my own. It’s a warm and secure refuge, but not as safe and secure as the refuge I have found in God. Just last week my wonderful parents came and helped me do some things around the house. It’s so nice and now it’s even more warm and secure that I really have no desire to leave. Ever. But, as nice as it is, how much lovelier is the dwelling place of the Lord Almighty (Psalm 84:1). And that verse goes on to say, “Blessed are those whose strength is in you,    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.” So I’ll travel on to new places and other homes.

We all desire a place of our own. A place we can call home. That feeling is not exclusive to those who are married. It’s a universal, human feeling. I’m glad that God has blessed me with a beautiful home, but I’m even more glad that He’s gone to prepare a home for me in Heaven. I’m glad I’ll spend eternity with Him in His house. I suppose in a weird way God used that aggravating conversation to remind me that I am nesting. I’m cleaning out things from my life and moving things around so that when it comes time for God to birth something new in my life I’ll be ready.

Bottom line – I’m not a bird, I’m not pregnant, I’m not even married, but I am nesting and longing for home – a home in heaven where I’ll dwell for eternity with my God and my Savior.  

Not a Confession Just an FYI

Many of you have commented that when you read the blog you can hear me saying it in your head. Which is sort of creepy to think that I'm in your head for any length of time. Nonetheless, I know what you mean! So, if you'd really like to hear me you can click on this link and download a message I preached last week. The sermon was based on the blogs that you've been reading. Look for April 22 - Confessions of a Single Thirty-Something. Happy Listening!