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Confession 17: I'm Tired of Making Decisions

This has been one of those weeks. You know the kind of day where tears seem close at hand, sleep is hard to come by, and you find yourself worrying but you’re unsure about what? I kept going over and over again in my mind - is anything wrong? no. am I upset? no. do I feel stressed? not really. did someone punch, kick, or wound me? no, because I’m a grown up and not in the 3rd grade. Hard as I tried though I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled. Sometimes we just have weeks or days like that.

If I’m honest, I suppose part of that feeling could be coming from the fact that I do have some big decisions that have to be made in the coming months. Big decisions means lots of questions. Questions that end with things like - what will the tax implications be for that - and other such confusing sentences. Big decisions mean that there is a lot resting on the final choice. This is the sort of thing that one needs input from others on. Someone to ask - well, what do you think we should do? Someone to pass the buck on to in case down the road you find that you’ve chosen poorly and need someone to blame!

You see, the challenge of being single is that there isn’t a “we” - as in what should “we” do. It’s just me. There isn’t anyone to talk to or check with on these sorts of things. I can talk it over with friends, but at some point the conversation reaches a place where they say - but ultimately it’s up to you. There isn’t anyone for me to look at dumbfounded and confused and say - you decide it’s too much for me. Too much or not I’m going to have to decide some things on my own. And this has been one of those weeks where I’ve felt that it was all too much for me. Couldn’t someone else make the decisions? Couldn’t there be someone else in the equation to bring calm and clarity into the mix? I’ll bring worry and confusion!

I’m tired of making all the tough choices. I mean seriously, big decisions should not be left to me on my own! There are mornings where I can’t choose between the only 2 pairs of clean clothes in the suitcase; days when I can’t decide between a cinnamon dolce latte or a white chocolate mocha. And yet, God thinks that I’m up to the challenge of making super important, big decisions on my own? Something is so not right about this.

In my frenzied and worried state I all too often accuse God - well, if YOU’d just give me someone to help instead of leaving me to fend for myself then I wouldn’t have to be making all the decisions on my own. I’ll take any help you want to give here, God, a husband, a personal assistant, a housekeeper. I mean even the apostle Paul had traveling companions. Could I get just a little help? Then I begin to throw a fit and before I know it I’ve (figuratively) thrown myself down on the ground kicking and screaming - why!? Why won’t you give me what I want? Why won’t you do for me what you do for everyone else? Why do you always leave me alone? Why do I have to do everything by myself?

And that’s when I have to pause and reflect on what I’ve just said and ask myself: Do I really believe that God has left me to fend for myself? Do I really feel that God has left me alone? Do I really think that God is unwilling to provide the answer that I need? Because when I stop I realize that at no point in my life have I ever really made a big decision “on my own” - it was always been with the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit. The answer has always come, albeit, with very strange timing. Never have I been alone - not once have I boarded a plane, got into a taxi, worked in any country, or been awakened in the night in my own home that I’ve not been aware of His hand in mine. Not once has God left me to fend for myself, but rather His faithful hand of provision has been stretched out to me over and over again and He has meet every need, answered every question (granted not always with the answer I wanted), and made a way through every storm. So why do I get so upset and get so worried? I don’t know. It’s interesting to me how quickly I forget all that God has done.

I’ve been reading in the Old Testament and I find that I get so annoyed with the children of Israel. “Give us a king,” they cried, “We want to be just like everyone else.” God gives them what they want and they still aren’t happy. They follow God for a generation and then fall away from the things of God. A new king comes to the throne and they return to God and then the next passage will say that after that the next king did evil in the eyes of the Lord. I sit and read and am disgusted by how quickly they forget all that God has done for them. I’m bothered by the fact that they aren’t happy being chosen by God and instead demand to be like the other nations. Hmmm. I guess I have more in common with these ancient people than I first thought.

Yet, in His great mercy God continued to show loving kindness to them and He continues to show it to me as well. Even in the midst of my questions and my accusations God is there reminding me of His plan for my life and of His faithfulness to me. When I stop fighting and start remembering then I find peace in those moments. The questions are still there. Decisions still have to be made, but not on my own. I can relax in the goodness of God and in the knowledge that if I ask God then He will answer and slowly bring clarity to the plan that He has for me. So, God, what should “we” do?!

Bottom Line: We all have questions and worries and decisions to make, but God has never left me or you to figure it out on our own and He’ll not do it now. If He was faithful in the past, and He has been, then I’ve every reason to believe He’ll be faithful in the future.


Wow! That was super long, but I’m really glad I got all that off my chest! I apologize if this has been more of a journal entry than my typical blog, but it was cathartic to write and I hope it’s been encouraging to someone.