Confession 4: Eating is not just a social event for me

I recently read an article in the healthy eating/dieting/lose weight/eat only vegetables section of a magazine in which the author stated that eating alone is never a good idea when trying to eat smaller servings. I was offended on multiple levels by this. First of all, was this man (and I just assume it was a man as I can’t actually remember the author’s name) saying that it’s my destiny to be overweight because I’m single? And, secondly, does this person not realize that half the American population is single? What are we to do? Not eat? Well, I really don’t like that option. At all. So here are some things I’ve learned about eating/cooking alone.

1. Making pasta for one is harder than it looks.

I’m not really sure why this is, but almost every time I make pasta I find myself asking aloud, “Was I expecting an army?” I mean seriously, who exactly am I preparing food for? Noodles seem to expand in a way that is just amazing. The first time I finally got this quantity right I wanted to scream to the neighbors – or at the very least post on Facebook – that I am a pasta genius and have mastered the measurements. Cooking for one is a challenge but it can be mastered. [Martha Stewart has a section on her website with recipes for one person. I’ve not tried them but will soon. If you know of good recipes for one be sure to leave a comment below.]

2. Chicken is easier than beef.

I’ll never forget going to the butcher and asking for a quarter of a pound of ground beef (well, since I was living in Dublin at the time I actually asked for some amount of grams of mince, but that’s not really the point) and having him look at me like I was crazy and obviously metric conversion challenged. While my math skills are quite limited I did in fact know how much meat I wanted. He measured it out and then said to me, “This is what you said – you sure this is what you want?” I answered, “Exactly how much meat do you think I can eat? I’m one person.” This is the beauty of chicken. There is no measuring. If you’re cooking for one for the first time you should start with chicken.

3. Remind yourself while shopping – this is only for one, this is only for one.

My rationale regarding things like Oreo’s and boxes of Cheez-Its has been something like this: I live alone. I will be the only one eating this delicious, albeit horrible for me, treat. Regardless of when I finish this box of beautifulness I will have consumed the same amount of calories. Therefore, why not eat the entire gift from heaven in one setting. One day or over the course of two weeks it’s still just me eating it. This logic is flawed I know, but I haven’t really been able to spot where this thought process actually starts to break down.

4. Eating out is still an option.

I am amazed at how many people have never eaten in a restaurant alone. I had a conversation about this with a friend, who was single at the time, and had never eaten in a restaurant alone. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it I guess. So now every time I go out alone I feel the need to text him and let him know that I am eating in public at a table for one. It’s sort of fun, but it’s an art form.

A. Placement:

Don’t sit at the bar unless you are legitimately hoping someone will strike up a conversation. A small table for two, or one in this case, will work just fine. The four-top table with you all alone just looks sad.

B. Confidence:

Don’t mumble. Be confident when you say, “Just one.” No need looking sad and desperate or embarrassed for that matter. Every one eats – who cares who it’s with.

C. Chatting:

The wait staff really don’t care about your personal history or why you’re eating alone – um, I’m here on business I’m not actually a loser – yes, telling them this makes you seem much less of a loser. No, wait, it doesn’t. Just order your food and keep your conversation with the waiter/waitress to the same light banter you would if you were there with a group.

D. Reading:

Bring a magazine or a kindle but not a book. The magazine lays flat letting you read and eat at the same time. Reading a book requires one hand or elbow to be on the book at all times. So unless you’re eating a burger the magazine is the better option.

Bottom line – don’t eat cereal for every meal because you can’t be bothered to cook for one and don’t think that the drive thru is your only option for eating out. Be confident in who you are – a hungry, single person. Bon Appetit!

Confession 3: Lonely is different than alone

I live alone. Well, the few weeks and months that I am in my own house I live alone. Most of the year I live in other people’s homes with their families, or in dormitories, hostels, hotels, and other fascinating locations surrounded by teams of people of all ages. But, the few precious months of the year that I am in my own home I enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from living alone. I know exactly who made the mess – me. I know exactly who will clean up said mess – me. And I don’t mind if the mess stays there for a short time (I’m a little too OCD to let the mess stay for long). Living alone is good. Yet, I’m frequently asked, “Don’t you get lonely?” My thought is you mean at home when by myself? No, I’m not lonely when I am at home. In a crowd of people – say at church – now that’s a different story.

I think many of us, regardless of actual marital status, would agree with this. We can be in a crowd of people and yet feel totally alone and set apart. It can be a small thing that makes us feel this way. For single people perhaps it’s a couple holding hands or a prayer offered up thanking God for our families, but it’s just enough to remind us that we don’t completely fit in a society that revolves around families. Or so we think.

The most important truth in all of this is that while I may feel lonely from time to time I am never alone. The government census may indicate that I live alone but I know that this isn’t really the case (and no, I’m not seeing things or hearing voices). God promises that “He will never leave me nor forsake me.” Regardless of how lonely I feel God is always there. I may be home alone or feel left out and passed by in a crowd of people, but that’s different from actually being alone. That just doesn’t happen. I am so very grateful for this promise from the Lord. It’s the promise of Immanuel – God with us - all the time. In spite of my loneliness or my singleness He is always there for me, with me, in me.

I was reminded of this one night some time ago. I had been out with married friends and I was coming home in the car when I felt that wave of self pity wash over me. I thought about giving in to it for a moment – even contemplated stopping for some ice cream to go along with the huge party o’ pity I was about to throw myself – but then decided against it. Instead I began to say to myself – it’s okay, you’re not alone, God is here. And then of the 2000 or so songs that were shuffling on my iPod (I’m a little bit country; a little bit easy listening) my great uncle, Bud, came on singing an old Southern gospel song. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was concentrating on my “party” until the chorus began, “I will never walk alone, He holds my hand. He will guide each step I take and if I fall I know He’ll understand.” I love it when God speaks so clearly.

There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. I’ll never truly be alone and what’s more the God of the universe holds my hand.

Confession 2: I am a Teenage Girl's Nightmare

If lonely describes Sunday’s for me as a single adult then Monday is the complete opposite. I wake up Monday morning feeling confident and sure and of course completely exhausted. I mean who are we kidding, it’s still Monday and they aren’t exactly “magical” for any of us. But, the point is that 6 days a week (Sunday’s really take it out of me!) I live a very fulfilled and satisfied life because there is a joy in knowing that I am living in accordance to God’s plan for my life. You see there is no Plan B.  Just because I didn’t meet and marry during Bible College doesn’t mean that God had to quickly find the backup plan. God’s call is still there no matter what box I check on a form – M/S/D/W.

I am a teenage girl’s nightmare.

Some years ago I was preaching at a youth service and had challenged the students to truly surrender themselves to the Lord and be willing to say, along with the prophet Isaiah, “Here am I; send me.” Following the service a teenage girl came to me and said that she had felt a call to be a missionary for some time now. I smiled and said that was great. She, however, looked at me with something akin to the look a deer has on its face right before being struck by a car, and said, “But, I always thought I’d go with someone.” It was evident that my willingness to go alone had rocked her world and she was a little petrified. It’s nice to know I’m such an inspiration! I calmly replied – in a tone that I hope said I’m so not offended by what you’ve just said – that I’m sure God would bring someone into her life and when and if He did that she should cherish that person as a gift from God. Then I said to her – but if God doesn’t bring someone into your life remember that there is no Plan B. God called YOU to serve Him. Never forget that.

I left that service knowing that I had needed to hear those words that night myself. It seems that I need constant reaffirmation of central truths in my own life. It was a great reminder that regardless of who God brings in to my life the truth remains that God called me as a teenager to serve Him. At the end of the day I don’t get to stand before God and say – well I would have served you better or actually gone as a missionary if you’d sent me a spouse. I kept waiting for him but he never came so I wasted my life working part time jobs so that I’d be ready to go when my real life started. My fear in this scenario is that God will say – really, because I was waiting on you to do what I told you to do.

Being single or being married and having children is never an excuse for why we can’t serve God with every ounce of our being. Either God has called us as individuals or He hasn’t. And if one can put one thousand to flight and two can put two thousand to flight then married couples should be doing more and not less. All of us following our call, regardless of marital status, is what it will take to win our world. So let’s start or keep doing what God has called us to do and let Him worry about bringing others to work alongside us.

The First Confession

This blog first appeared on the Assemblies of God Young Adult website. It was published as two separate posts, but I've combined those into one super long post here.

The alarm goes off and I hit the bedside table trying to find the source of the noise and finally land on the snooze button. A few more snooze button pushes later I begin to wake up and realize that it’s Sunday. It’s hard to make decisions in such a sleepy state, but if I lay here any longer it will be too late. I must decide will I be going to church today? Here’s the thing – I love church. I love to sing and worship God and hear sermons that challenge me and make me think. These are important aspects of church but they aren’t the full picture of what is supposed to happen when we come together in community. But it’s the fellowship part that has me lying in bed questioning whether I’ll get up and go to church. I should go is my final decision and so I quickly get up and get ready and by quickly I mean I take my time half hoping that some catastrophe will happen that will cause me to be so late that it’s not actually worth making the drive. When no such travesty occurs and there’s still time to get to church I climb in to the car and arrive on time. I climb the stairs and find a place in the balcony at the end of the aisle and hope that no one asks me to scoot on down to the middle where I’ll be stuck. I’m not sure what my fear of being “stuck” is but in case of fire I’d like to make a hasty exit. So I sit and use the time to delete old messages from my phone waiting for the service to begin. We all stand then and begin to sing and I feel safe and happy and apart of things. There’s a time of prayer and I participate. Now comes the dreaded shake hands part of the worship service. One strange and overly hairy woman shakes my hand and asks if I’m new. “No,” I reply. I look around to see if anyone else is coming towards me and when I find that the coast is clear I sit down and begin eagerly searching the weekly bulletin so that I can avoid eye contact. It’s not that I want to be rude or unfriendly it’s that I don’t have it in me to explain who I am or what I do or that I’ve been coming here off and on for well over 10 years. I think if I had a more straightforward answer like I’m a teacher at the local elementary school and I volunteer at the local gym then I’d be more apt to make small talk. Unfortunately, I have a job that requires a 10 minute missions window to fully explain. Now that the hand shaking is over I settle in for the sermon. Altar call finishes and the final prayer is prayed. I look around for a moment to see if I can spot any of the few people I know. I don’t so I walk out to my car having spoken only one word all morning to only one person - the overly hairy woman. I get in the car trying to decide if I have the emotional energy to go and eat alone in a restaurant. It’s the Sunday thing to do to eat out. I decide that a quick sandwich at home might be nice and change lanes to head home instead. The tears are threatening to fall and all the while I’m saying to myself, “It’s okay, you’re okay. God knows best. He’s here. You’re not alone. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Jesus, help.” This is why I debate going to church every week. I go alone, I sit alone, I leave alone, I eat alone. I’m not a fan of Sundays.

This wasn’t always the case. Growing up as a pastor’s kid I loved Sundays. It was the day I got to see my friends and my grandparents. I was involved in all sorts of things on a Sunday – worship team, Bible Quiz, - and then we’d go out to eat. It was a family affair. Lots of people see it that same way and therein lies the problem for single adults. Most people go to church as a family and then go out to eat with another family and when you’re not a family then you don’t really fit. So how do we make single young adults fit into the church family?

I’ve come to believe that people choose a church based on three main criteria. They find a place where (1) they can be fed the Word of God, (2) they find community and fellowship, or (3) their family already attends (and probably multiple generations of that family). One may not choose a certain church for all three reasons but at least one of them will come into play. For me, I have no family in the area where I live so number three gets crossed off my list when choosing a church. As a single adult finding a place where there is community and fellowship is most important and yet it is the most difficult to find. Why is it so hard to find a church as a single adult?

Well, first off there seems to be some confusion on life as a single adult. Here are the top 5 things I want you to know:

1. A single adult is not the same as a single college student.

Contrary to popular belief we don’t carry on living the college life simply because we do not have spouses and children. We do go on to live very successful, busy, meaningful lives. We have mortgages, prepare dinners that never saw the frozen food aisle, and we buy actual furniture.

2. Singleness is not a “season of life.”

Being single is a marital status not a life season. Too often this gets said to singles implying that what we are currently involved in is simply filler until we get married and our real life begins. This also implies that God’s call, our career goals, and our current successes are all just part of God’s plan to lead us to that special someone. I don’t accept that. Either God has a plan for each person’s life or He doesn’t. Either I’m called by God or I’m not. It cannot be that this is the back up plan for my life without a partner.

3. Singleness is not a terminal disease. I may die single but I won’t die because I’m single.

I could have a very lucrative side job if I were to get paid for each time someone asked if I was married then tilted their head to the side looked me in the eyes and said, “I’ll be praying,” all while shaking their still tilted head. While I can appreciate people wanting me to be as happy as they are in their marriage (or maybe be as un-happy since misery does love company) it is possible to live a very fulfilled and on-purpose life as a single person. I’m not dying inside every time I attend a wedding or watch a baby dedication at church. My desire to be a part of family life in and out of church doesn’t come from this sad and desperate or terminally ill part of me. It comes from a basic human need to have community and in this case with other believers.

4. Asking me why I’m not married is not a helpful question.

I mean really do people expect me to answer that? Truthfully, if I knew why I wasn’t married wouldn’t that go a long way in helping me find a spouse? God gives us the grace to bear what He has asked of us, but this question tests that grace!

5. You’d be surprised what we would attend if we were invited.

There is a common misconception that single people don’t want to be invited if it’s going to be a group of married people or if there will be children present. I recognize that the true “season of life” that I am in is one in which everyone has young children. I get that and am happy to play fake “aunt” to children around the world. Life is not fair nor is it even. Inviting one single person doesn’t mean that you have to suddenly invite a second. Odd numbered dinner parties can be the best kind! We don’t need you to match make. We need you to be our friend.

So how does this knowledge help both married young adults and single young adults to develop a sense of community in church? Well,

1.  Singles are part of the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:14 tells us that the body is made up of many parts. The truth is some parts are single and some are coupled. 2 arms 2 legs 2 eyes 2 ears – some parts come in pairs but some parts of the body come single but are no less important – 1 nose 1 stomach 1 gallbladder.  We need all of these parts, both coupled and individual, in order for the body to function properly.

The way in which this body works best is when it’s operating all together and not segregated out with all the arms and legs together and all the noses in another class. We don’t want to be stuck in a singles group; we want to be included. Why must single adults always be placed in a separate group made up mostly of socially awkward weirdoes? I mean let’s be honest – you were already thinking it. Why can’t we be placed in a class with a variety of both singles and married couples within our age range? Let’s not be afraid to have life groups or class parties with odd numbered guests. You don’t need to “fix us up” or wink at us after mentioning that so and so is also single. Rather, let it be a non issue as we come together in unity and do life together.

2. The Psalmist said that the Lord sits the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) – this should be happening with the church family.

I have been so blessed in my life to have not only two incredible parents and a great sister but also wonderful families that God has placed me in. There are families all over the world where I am considered “Aunt” Sarah to children who do not share my blood. I have family because God placed me in their lives and them in mine. But why does this not happen more often in the church? I believe it’s the same reason why we don’t take time to get to know a new young couple – we are too busy with our own lives to truly take time to form the family of God. But, we must work harder to create this family.

Get to know the single adults in your church and invite them to be part of your family. You don’t need to start a new ministry in your church to reach singles just be more intentional in including the single adults in your small groups and encourage them to take their place in the family of God.

How do young adult leaders and pastors help with this?

1. Check that your language from the pulpit is inclusive.

If all your examples and illustrations during a sermon begin with “how many of you are married?” or “if you’re married then you’ll understand that…” then you may have a problem. Giving examples from marriage is not the problem – we can easily fit that example into our own relationship settings and experiences. The problem is that by beginning the story in a manner that excludes singles you alienate us and make it seem that we cannot learn from this story.

2. If the small group or class isn’t called young married then keep your curriculum balanced.

It is right and appropriate for marriage to be talked about from the pulpit. I want my friends to have successful marriages and be in loving relationships. However, if you’re going to do a 4 week series on healthy marriages then consider also doing a sermon on appropriate relationships in a single adult setting. We’re looking for balance.

3. Don’t forget that we eat dinner too!

When was the last time a young couple invited a single adult, whom they did not know prior to marriage, to their house for dinner? As has already been said odd numbered dinner parties are the best kind. Encourage fellowship between singles and couples of all ages.

When we come together in unity, as one body or one family in Christ, a beautiful thing happens. Suddenly we aren’t single or married we’re just people who need each other, brother and sisters who help each other, who encourage each other, who pray one for another. Isn’t that what church is all about?