Confession 9: I do not like waiting – Part 3

Last week’s posts on waiting kept getting longer and longer, but here is the finale to the waiting posts.

As a teenager I repeatedly heard this famous phrase, “True Love Waits.” Which is a good phrase, I suppose. It implied that true love would wait for the perfect person and then they together would wait until marriage to have “the sex.” So when a Christian 16 year old was told that true love waits we expected them to keep their hormones in check for roughly another 5-7 years until married. The question is, “What are we supposed to do while waiting?” Well, no one ever said what we were to do while waiting because I suppose the plan was that we would (A) finish high school, (2) go to college, and while there (iii) date and find the perfect person. The reason no one ever explained what we should do while waiting is that no youth pastor expected the wait to go past college graduation. So for those of us who have been waiting for a much lengthier time I ask again, “What the heck are we supposed to do while waiting?”

 Well, here’s a short list of things to do:

Note: I realize that “True Love Waits” is referring more to the waiting of sex but that is a completely separate blog. You’ll just have to wait until I decide to get around to that one. In the meantime practice a little self control and focus on these other things.

1. Live in the moment

Being single is not a holding pattern that you’re in. There isn’t a pause button on life. This is your life – so live it to its fullest!

2. Stay Focused

Just as the watchmen (see part 2) had to stay focused on the job in front of them you too have things to do. Don’t dream so much about the future that you forget to focus on today. Stay focused on what matters – your relationship with God, your family, your friends.

3. Think Big

What are you waiting for? Do you want to finish your degree? Go back to school? Travel the world? Learn a new skill? Then do it. Being single gives you a great opportunity to do these things so take advantage of that.

4. Make things happen

If, as I said in part 2, you’re done waiting and getting married and having a family are at the top of your list for 2012 then stop talking about it and put yourself out there. If you don’t work with any eligible people, if you’re the only single at your church, and if after work you go straight home then chances are this time next year nothing will have changed in your life. So review the list in #3 and meet some new people because even if they aren’t single they probably know people who are. Get out and meet people and see what happens.

4. Enjoy life

Don’t become bitter about the life God has given you. Number one way to stay single forever – be bitter and make sure no one likes to spend more than 3 seconds in your presence. Learn to be happy with who you are and where you are in life. If you don’t like how your life is going then change what you can, but learn to say with the apostle Paul, “I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation.”

Bottom line – maybe true love does in fact wait, but your life doesn’t. I don’t really know what to do while waiting except to live my life. So I encourage you to also make a life for yourself that you want and then enjoy it.

For example: I graduated Bible College single – who does that?! So I moved to another country for a few years where I learned a lot about myself, allowed God to develop character in me and teach me things I wouldn’t have learned any other way, and made life-long friends. Then I made up a job that would allow me to travel all over Europe. Along the way I have come to embrace the life that God has given me because it’s ridiculously awesome and full of people, friends, rich experiences, and encounters.

So again I say: Don’t wait – live.

Confession 8: I Do Not Like Waiting – Part 2

So as I began to write about waiting I started filling up pages and decided that you probably didn’t want to read a term paper on the topic – although today’s post is quite the essay. So I’ve split it up into 3 parts. Although, the more I work on it the longer it seems to get! At any rate, here is part 2.

A few weeks ago I watched a video with a poet named Janette…ikz who spoke of waiting. (To view this video click here.) In it she references Psalm 130:5-6, which reads, “I will wait for the Lord, my souls waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.” As I’ve meditated on that verse I’ve begun to view “the wait” in a different light.

Now, not to get all sermony on you (although I am ordained so it’s okay for me to preach), but here are 3 thoughts on this verse.

1. The watchmen were active in their wait.

The existence of watchmen who would stand guard around the city at night can be found in ancient civilizations. They would wait through the long night ready to sound the alarm should an enemy approach. When I think about the watchmen I picture them waiting in the dark on a moonless night.  I imagine them just a little bit on edge and a little bit frightened and unsure of what was out there, but longing for the first rays of dawn. The knowledge that as soon as the first hues of (insert color here as I’m never actually up at dawn to see the sunrise) appear on the horizon their work would be over is what kept them going.

They had a job to do during the long night though. They had to remain alert in case an enemy came to surprise them in the night. Their job wasn’t simply to sit around and wait for morning. Rather they had to remain active to stay awake and alert and ready for anything.

This makes me ask – am I staying focused on the task at hand – the task the Lord has given me – or am I simply letting life pass me by today while I search the horizon for what’s ahead?

2. It is in God’s word that I will put my hope

I know too many singles whose constant hope is that they will meet the person of their dreams and fall in love and get married. Is that all you are hoping for in life? If so that’s a lot to put on your future spouse. I’ve put all my hope in this one basket – marriage. What if that’s not God’s plan for your life? Will you be okay? Will you still be able to hope for good things? Will you still be able to worship God will all that you are?

A few years back the song that we were singing all summer at our camps and programs said something along the lines of, “You’re all I need, You’re all I want.” I found myself boldly belting out that first line along with everyone else and then as I really listened to the words I realized that I couldn’t honestly sing the second phrase. God was not all I wanted. He was definitely all I needed, but not all I wanted. And to sing that would not only be a lie, but it would be like declaring that all my hopes for my future were being set aside and instead of wanting a husband and a “normal” life I would say I’ll want You, God, and only You and what You have for me. It would mean surrender on a whole new level. So for that summer I remained quiet during that song.  

But God’s word is full of good things and promises – He will fill the hungry with good things. He will set the solitary into families. He will be a father to the fatherless. God is love. He will never leave you or forsake you. God is faithful.

In these things I have learned to place my hope. I have learned to surrender and have come to a place where I can now sing loudly, “You’re all I want.”

3. I will wait for the Lord

Our lives are short and eternity is, well, long! (Could I be more profound?) Someday I will stand before the Lord and will be judged according to what I did for Him, not on how well I married. Waiting upon the Lord is good, but waiting for my life to start once I get married is not. God has given me all that I need for life (2 Peter 1:3) and that may or may not include a spouse.

I will wait for the Lord’s timing. I will wait for the Lord’s direction. I will wait for the Lord to speak and to lead. I will wait for Heaven.

I will NOT waste my time here on earth waiting for a spouse. I will NOT wait for my life to have meaning. I will NOT wait to fulfill the call of God on my life. I will NOT wait for marriage for my life to begin.

I’m done waiting – I never liked it anyhow.

I will wait for you, Lord, to speak and then I will act upon that. I will stay focused on the task that you have given me throughout the long night even as I look with hope to the horizon. Amen.

Confession 7: I Do Not Like Waiting – Part 1

Waiting is not cool or fun. I’m impatient while waiting for anything – the light to turn green, for a video to buffer, for the book I want to come out in paperback because I’m too cheap and/or it messes with my OCDness to buy a series in a mixture of hard back and paperback (weird, I know.) I don’t like to wait.

Somehow people get the impression that singles and waiting go hand in hand. We’ve been told it all our lives – wait for God to bring that special someone into your life, true love waits (more on that later this week), just you wait God’s just putting the finishing touches on the person He has for you. I feel that these are all sort of dumb things to say on many levels, but that’s not really the point of today’s blog. The point is that waiting has begun to have a negative connotation to singles. It implies a few things: (1) that there’s nothing to be done on our part – we just have to wait, (2) that waiting is bad, boring, and/or a giant lesson in practicing self control – because true love waits, and (3) that life is on hold until you get married – since we should wait and see what God has around the corner before we make any major decisions.

But, Christmas has reminded me that waiting can be good. You see as a kid we waited all through the Christmas season to open the gifts under the tree. We waited with great anticipation and expectation for what the tearing away of cartoon character paper would reveal. We couldn’t stand to not know what those gifts were. What did mom and dad get me? Finally the morning came that we’d been waiting for all month long. There was excitement as we saw the hoped for toy or doll, but part of the joy of Christmas morning was not in actually getting the gift but it was the anticipation of receiving the gift that had us so excited that we couldn’t sleep. In other words there is a joy and an excitement that comes in the waiting, in the longing, in the desiring of the good gifts that the Lord will bestow on His children.

Christmas, in the words of Charles Wesley’s hymn, meant the coming of the long expected Jesus. That waiting was full of hope for the promised Messiah who would save His people. Christmas meant the end of 400 years of silence. That waiting was full of expectation – when will God speak to us and how? Christmas, for Mary, meant that 9 months of pregnancy and a night of labor had come to an end. That waiting was full of anticipation for what this baby would mean to this small family and to a world in need of a Savior. Christmas is surrounded by waiting.  

The difference is that this waiting implies something good. I like that. Anticipating, expecting, hoping are words full of life. I want to expect good things to come into my life – people, experiences, the long sought after perfect cup of hot chocolate. I want to be hopeful for the future – future travel, future jobs, future shopping! I want to live anticipating what incredible thing God will do next in my life. Waiting isn’t a bad word; at least not when it’s filled with hope. I think the waiting is part of the gift and it’s the waiting that will make me cherish and appreciate the actual gift once received that much more.

I don’t like waiting, but I do like hoping! The best is yet to come!

There’s more to be said on this…..but you’ll have to wait for part 2!

Confession 6: I have much to be thankful for

Many of you will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week. Which means you’ll be headed home to visit with family. You’ll be another year older and another year single when you do so. Which means that you can rest assured some family member will say something quite stupid to you. In light of this I offer the following short list of things to keep in mind.

1. A ready response

I find that often times I have no ready response to crazy questions about my being single. I was once at a missions luncheon and a pastor’s wife asked me, “Who are you here with?” Meaning, which one is your husband because clearly you couldn’t be the minister yourself (she may not have meant it this way, but I can’t say for sure). But, I responded with, “Oh, just myself.” Really, that was my answer. I’m here with myself? What does that mean?

Another time following something I shared in a meeting I was asked this question, “Did I hear you say that ‘you guys’ were in missions?” To which my brilliant response was, “No, it’s just me – I’m just one person.” Seriously, aren’t we all just one person? Did that need to be stated? These are the stupid things I say when caught off guard. So come up with your answer to, “Are you seeing someone?” or “Still single this year?” or “Did you acquire any cats this year?” prior to arrival at your aunts house.

2. Some people are just stupid

Most people ask you questions with your best interest at heart. They’ve been married forever and are happy and they want the same for you. Many don’t realize that happiness comes in all sorts of ways – in pairs and in singles – so they can’t understand how you could be happy in a way that is opposite from themselves. Down deep inside your grandma (or whoever) loves you and that’s what prompts them to ask, at inappropriate times I might add, about your dating life or lack thereof. So for these loved ones remember that there are only a few holidays a year, have your ready response on the tip of your tongue, and just be thankful that people love you and care about you. But, there are some people who just don’t have a clue nor do they understand the pain that holidays or questions about your single state bring to you. And for those people the correct response to “why are you still single” is “I don’t know why are you still stupid?”

3. A pre-written note to parents

Dear Mom and Dad: We live in America. The year is 2011. Why are you still trying to arrange a marriage for me? Leave me alone. Sincerely, Your Loving Son/Daughter.

I would like to point out that I have incredible parents who raised me to be independent and go for my dreams. They do not pester, question, nag, or ask about my singleness. I am beyond grateful for parents who love me for me and are happy for me and the life I live. Apparently, though, this is not typical. I’ve discovered over the years that most parents of single adults are pushy beyond reason. I know this because I keep meeting those people’s parents. “I have a son about your age.” Good to know.

4. You have a lot to be thankful for

Single or married, currently dating or not since the Bush administration, there are reasons to be thankful. I personally am thankful that as I’ve quoted before, “The Lord sits the lonely into families.” I’m thankful for those families that have taken me in to their homes and in to their lives. I’m thankful for friends – both single and married and married with children – that make my life rich and full. I’m thankful for my family – a mom and a dad and a sister – who support me and encourage me. I’m thankful for a Saviour who became Immanuel and who died for individuals. I’m thankful that He has a plan for my life – a plan for me (since I’m just one person!). That plan may or may not include a spouse, but it does include love. The love of a Saviour extended to me day after day.

I am blessed and I am thankful and I hope that you are too. Happy Thanksgiving!

Note: My sarcastic nature was at an all time high when writing this one so keep that in mind.

My apologies to my cat loving friends and owners no offense was intended.

Confession 5: Single and Loving It is actually Single and Dealing with It

I recently read an article about a report featured on NBC’s Today Show. The article was talking about how many women are choosing to be single and are loving it. I have chosen to be single in the same way that I choose to have the flu or choose to have a window seat on a plane. In other words – I’ve been stuck with it. (In case you’re wondering I always prefer the aisle on a plane and am saddened beyond belief when I’m by the window especially for the long haul flight, but I digress.) I don’t remember ever consciously deciding to be single, but in case that has been the misunderstanding between myself and God then I’d like to go on record immediately by saying I did not mean to choose this.

When I was in Bible College we had David Grant (a well known missionary to India) come and speak every year. Each year he would tell his story about giving God his 20’s as a single missionary. Again, I feel there might have been some slight confusion on God’s part as I actually made no similar promise. I do remember promising – begging even – to be used by God however He saw fit. I just didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. Obviously, I meant I wanted to be used by God in partnership with someone else. Who knew that I needed to be more specific in my prayers?

Jesus was asked in Matthew 19 if it was better not to marry and responded, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.” And Paul agreed with Jesus (which in all fairness was his only option. I mean who sets himself up as a church leader and then disagrees with Jesus??) Stating in 1 Corinthians 7:7, “I wish that all men were as I am [single]. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” These verses imply that living single is a gift. Now I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the gifts of God but is there a way to exchange this gift? There seems to be a mistake. I didn’t put this on my list of gifts for Christmas. Did this somehow get slipped in between a new pair of jeans and a good novel? Single. I don’t remember writing that down. I didn’t ask for this!

So I don’t actually agree with Paul on this one. I don’t wish that everyone were like me (heaven help us if they were), and I don’t want this gift from God. But, there are two ways that I do identify with Paul.

1. I have found God’s grace to be more than sufficient.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul describes a “thorn in the flesh” without ever saying what it is. He only says that three times he asked God to take it from him and that God’s answer was simply, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I have no theological backing for this thought, but sometimes I wonder if this thorn was his singleness and subsequent loneliness. For me I would paraphrase this to read – I was given a thorn in my flesh – being single – and 357 times (last week) I asked God to take it from me but He said, “Sarah, MY grace is sufficient for you when you are lonely, when you are afraid, when you feel discouraged. It’s okay for MY grace is surrounding you.” Some even translate the word “grace” in this passage as “divine power.” God’s divine power to live with this thorn in my flesh is available when I ask. And so I ask. It is my daily prayer, “Lord, give me the grace to bear what you’ve asked me to bear.” And each day in a new way God answers this prayer.

2. I have found that I can be content in whatever marital state I find myself.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Everything – live single, figure out how to do my taxes, get the oil changed, use a screw driver (I live a sheltered life) – everything through His strength, which again, is made perfect in my weakness. I am content with this gift that I did not ask for because it has allowed me to live out an incredible dream. I spend my life flying all over Europe working with incredible people, seeing breathtaking sites, and leading kids to Christ. There is a contentment that comes in knowing that you are in the will of God.

Am I single and loving it? Not every day. But, am I single and content and filled with the divine power and the grace of God to deal with it? Yes.

Confession 4: Eating is not just a social event for me

I recently read an article in the healthy eating/dieting/lose weight/eat only vegetables section of a magazine in which the author stated that eating alone is never a good idea when trying to eat smaller servings. I was offended on multiple levels by this. First of all, was this man (and I just assume it was a man as I can’t actually remember the author’s name) saying that it’s my destiny to be overweight because I’m single? And, secondly, does this person not realize that half the American population is single? What are we to do? Not eat? Well, I really don’t like that option. At all. So here are some things I’ve learned about eating/cooking alone.

1. Making pasta for one is harder than it looks.

I’m not really sure why this is, but almost every time I make pasta I find myself asking aloud, “Was I expecting an army?” I mean seriously, who exactly am I preparing food for? Noodles seem to expand in a way that is just amazing. The first time I finally got this quantity right I wanted to scream to the neighbors – or at the very least post on Facebook – that I am a pasta genius and have mastered the measurements. Cooking for one is a challenge but it can be mastered. [Martha Stewart has a section on her website with recipes for one person. I’ve not tried them but will soon. If you know of good recipes for one be sure to leave a comment below.]

2. Chicken is easier than beef.

I’ll never forget going to the butcher and asking for a quarter of a pound of ground beef (well, since I was living in Dublin at the time I actually asked for some amount of grams of mince, but that’s not really the point) and having him look at me like I was crazy and obviously metric conversion challenged. While my math skills are quite limited I did in fact know how much meat I wanted. He measured it out and then said to me, “This is what you said – you sure this is what you want?” I answered, “Exactly how much meat do you think I can eat? I’m one person.” This is the beauty of chicken. There is no measuring. If you’re cooking for one for the first time you should start with chicken.

3. Remind yourself while shopping – this is only for one, this is only for one.

My rationale regarding things like Oreo’s and boxes of Cheez-Its has been something like this: I live alone. I will be the only one eating this delicious, albeit horrible for me, treat. Regardless of when I finish this box of beautifulness I will have consumed the same amount of calories. Therefore, why not eat the entire gift from heaven in one setting. One day or over the course of two weeks it’s still just me eating it. This logic is flawed I know, but I haven’t really been able to spot where this thought process actually starts to break down.

4. Eating out is still an option.

I am amazed at how many people have never eaten in a restaurant alone. I had a conversation about this with a friend, who was single at the time, and had never eaten in a restaurant alone. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it I guess. So now every time I go out alone I feel the need to text him and let him know that I am eating in public at a table for one. It’s sort of fun, but it’s an art form.

A. Placement:

Don’t sit at the bar unless you are legitimately hoping someone will strike up a conversation. A small table for two, or one in this case, will work just fine. The four-top table with you all alone just looks sad.

B. Confidence:

Don’t mumble. Be confident when you say, “Just one.” No need looking sad and desperate or embarrassed for that matter. Every one eats – who cares who it’s with.

C. Chatting:

The wait staff really don’t care about your personal history or why you’re eating alone – um, I’m here on business I’m not actually a loser – yes, telling them this makes you seem much less of a loser. No, wait, it doesn’t. Just order your food and keep your conversation with the waiter/waitress to the same light banter you would if you were there with a group.

D. Reading:

Bring a magazine or a kindle but not a book. The magazine lays flat letting you read and eat at the same time. Reading a book requires one hand or elbow to be on the book at all times. So unless you’re eating a burger the magazine is the better option.

Bottom line – don’t eat cereal for every meal because you can’t be bothered to cook for one and don’t think that the drive thru is your only option for eating out. Be confident in who you are – a hungry, single person. Bon Appetit!

Confession 3: Lonely is different than alone

I live alone. Well, the few weeks and months that I am in my own house I live alone. Most of the year I live in other people’s homes with their families, or in dormitories, hostels, hotels, and other fascinating locations surrounded by teams of people of all ages. But, the few precious months of the year that I am in my own home I enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from living alone. I know exactly who made the mess – me. I know exactly who will clean up said mess – me. And I don’t mind if the mess stays there for a short time (I’m a little too OCD to let the mess stay for long). Living alone is good. Yet, I’m frequently asked, “Don’t you get lonely?” My thought is you mean at home when by myself? No, I’m not lonely when I am at home. In a crowd of people – say at church – now that’s a different story.

I think many of us, regardless of actual marital status, would agree with this. We can be in a crowd of people and yet feel totally alone and set apart. It can be a small thing that makes us feel this way. For single people perhaps it’s a couple holding hands or a prayer offered up thanking God for our families, but it’s just enough to remind us that we don’t completely fit in a society that revolves around families. Or so we think.

The most important truth in all of this is that while I may feel lonely from time to time I am never alone. The government census may indicate that I live alone but I know that this isn’t really the case (and no, I’m not seeing things or hearing voices). God promises that “He will never leave me nor forsake me.” Regardless of how lonely I feel God is always there. I may be home alone or feel left out and passed by in a crowd of people, but that’s different from actually being alone. That just doesn’t happen. I am so very grateful for this promise from the Lord. It’s the promise of Immanuel – God with us - all the time. In spite of my loneliness or my singleness He is always there for me, with me, in me.

I was reminded of this one night some time ago. I had been out with married friends and I was coming home in the car when I felt that wave of self pity wash over me. I thought about giving in to it for a moment – even contemplated stopping for some ice cream to go along with the huge party o’ pity I was about to throw myself – but then decided against it. Instead I began to say to myself – it’s okay, you’re not alone, God is here. And then of the 2000 or so songs that were shuffling on my iPod (I’m a little bit country; a little bit easy listening) my great uncle, Bud, came on singing an old Southern gospel song. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was concentrating on my “party” until the chorus began, “I will never walk alone, He holds my hand. He will guide each step I take and if I fall I know He’ll understand.” I love it when God speaks so clearly.

There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. I’ll never truly be alone and what’s more the God of the universe holds my hand.

Confession 2: I am a Teenage Girl's Nightmare

If lonely describes Sunday’s for me as a single adult then Monday is the complete opposite. I wake up Monday morning feeling confident and sure and of course completely exhausted. I mean who are we kidding, it’s still Monday and they aren’t exactly “magical” for any of us. But, the point is that 6 days a week (Sunday’s really take it out of me!) I live a very fulfilled and satisfied life because there is a joy in knowing that I am living in accordance to God’s plan for my life. You see there is no Plan B.  Just because I didn’t meet and marry during Bible College doesn’t mean that God had to quickly find the backup plan. God’s call is still there no matter what box I check on a form – M/S/D/W.

I am a teenage girl’s nightmare.

Some years ago I was preaching at a youth service and had challenged the students to truly surrender themselves to the Lord and be willing to say, along with the prophet Isaiah, “Here am I; send me.” Following the service a teenage girl came to me and said that she had felt a call to be a missionary for some time now. I smiled and said that was great. She, however, looked at me with something akin to the look a deer has on its face right before being struck by a car, and said, “But, I always thought I’d go with someone.” It was evident that my willingness to go alone had rocked her world and she was a little petrified. It’s nice to know I’m such an inspiration! I calmly replied – in a tone that I hope said I’m so not offended by what you’ve just said – that I’m sure God would bring someone into her life and when and if He did that she should cherish that person as a gift from God. Then I said to her – but if God doesn’t bring someone into your life remember that there is no Plan B. God called YOU to serve Him. Never forget that.

I left that service knowing that I had needed to hear those words that night myself. It seems that I need constant reaffirmation of central truths in my own life. It was a great reminder that regardless of who God brings in to my life the truth remains that God called me as a teenager to serve Him. At the end of the day I don’t get to stand before God and say – well I would have served you better or actually gone as a missionary if you’d sent me a spouse. I kept waiting for him but he never came so I wasted my life working part time jobs so that I’d be ready to go when my real life started. My fear in this scenario is that God will say – really, because I was waiting on you to do what I told you to do.

Being single or being married and having children is never an excuse for why we can’t serve God with every ounce of our being. Either God has called us as individuals or He hasn’t. And if one can put one thousand to flight and two can put two thousand to flight then married couples should be doing more and not less. All of us following our call, regardless of marital status, is what it will take to win our world. So let’s start or keep doing what God has called us to do and let Him worry about bringing others to work alongside us.

The First Confession

This blog first appeared on the Assemblies of God Young Adult website. It was published as two separate posts, but I've combined those into one super long post here.

The alarm goes off and I hit the bedside table trying to find the source of the noise and finally land on the snooze button. A few more snooze button pushes later I begin to wake up and realize that it’s Sunday. It’s hard to make decisions in such a sleepy state, but if I lay here any longer it will be too late. I must decide will I be going to church today? Here’s the thing – I love church. I love to sing and worship God and hear sermons that challenge me and make me think. These are important aspects of church but they aren’t the full picture of what is supposed to happen when we come together in community. But it’s the fellowship part that has me lying in bed questioning whether I’ll get up and go to church. I should go is my final decision and so I quickly get up and get ready and by quickly I mean I take my time half hoping that some catastrophe will happen that will cause me to be so late that it’s not actually worth making the drive. When no such travesty occurs and there’s still time to get to church I climb in to the car and arrive on time. I climb the stairs and find a place in the balcony at the end of the aisle and hope that no one asks me to scoot on down to the middle where I’ll be stuck. I’m not sure what my fear of being “stuck” is but in case of fire I’d like to make a hasty exit. So I sit and use the time to delete old messages from my phone waiting for the service to begin. We all stand then and begin to sing and I feel safe and happy and apart of things. There’s a time of prayer and I participate. Now comes the dreaded shake hands part of the worship service. One strange and overly hairy woman shakes my hand and asks if I’m new. “No,” I reply. I look around to see if anyone else is coming towards me and when I find that the coast is clear I sit down and begin eagerly searching the weekly bulletin so that I can avoid eye contact. It’s not that I want to be rude or unfriendly it’s that I don’t have it in me to explain who I am or what I do or that I’ve been coming here off and on for well over 10 years. I think if I had a more straightforward answer like I’m a teacher at the local elementary school and I volunteer at the local gym then I’d be more apt to make small talk. Unfortunately, I have a job that requires a 10 minute missions window to fully explain. Now that the hand shaking is over I settle in for the sermon. Altar call finishes and the final prayer is prayed. I look around for a moment to see if I can spot any of the few people I know. I don’t so I walk out to my car having spoken only one word all morning to only one person - the overly hairy woman. I get in the car trying to decide if I have the emotional energy to go and eat alone in a restaurant. It’s the Sunday thing to do to eat out. I decide that a quick sandwich at home might be nice and change lanes to head home instead. The tears are threatening to fall and all the while I’m saying to myself, “It’s okay, you’re okay. God knows best. He’s here. You’re not alone. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Jesus, help.” This is why I debate going to church every week. I go alone, I sit alone, I leave alone, I eat alone. I’m not a fan of Sundays.

This wasn’t always the case. Growing up as a pastor’s kid I loved Sundays. It was the day I got to see my friends and my grandparents. I was involved in all sorts of things on a Sunday – worship team, Bible Quiz, - and then we’d go out to eat. It was a family affair. Lots of people see it that same way and therein lies the problem for single adults. Most people go to church as a family and then go out to eat with another family and when you’re not a family then you don’t really fit. So how do we make single young adults fit into the church family?

I’ve come to believe that people choose a church based on three main criteria. They find a place where (1) they can be fed the Word of God, (2) they find community and fellowship, or (3) their family already attends (and probably multiple generations of that family). One may not choose a certain church for all three reasons but at least one of them will come into play. For me, I have no family in the area where I live so number three gets crossed off my list when choosing a church. As a single adult finding a place where there is community and fellowship is most important and yet it is the most difficult to find. Why is it so hard to find a church as a single adult?

Well, first off there seems to be some confusion on life as a single adult. Here are the top 5 things I want you to know:

1. A single adult is not the same as a single college student.

Contrary to popular belief we don’t carry on living the college life simply because we do not have spouses and children. We do go on to live very successful, busy, meaningful lives. We have mortgages, prepare dinners that never saw the frozen food aisle, and we buy actual furniture.

2. Singleness is not a “season of life.”

Being single is a marital status not a life season. Too often this gets said to singles implying that what we are currently involved in is simply filler until we get married and our real life begins. This also implies that God’s call, our career goals, and our current successes are all just part of God’s plan to lead us to that special someone. I don’t accept that. Either God has a plan for each person’s life or He doesn’t. Either I’m called by God or I’m not. It cannot be that this is the back up plan for my life without a partner.

3. Singleness is not a terminal disease. I may die single but I won’t die because I’m single.

I could have a very lucrative side job if I were to get paid for each time someone asked if I was married then tilted their head to the side looked me in the eyes and said, “I’ll be praying,” all while shaking their still tilted head. While I can appreciate people wanting me to be as happy as they are in their marriage (or maybe be as un-happy since misery does love company) it is possible to live a very fulfilled and on-purpose life as a single person. I’m not dying inside every time I attend a wedding or watch a baby dedication at church. My desire to be a part of family life in and out of church doesn’t come from this sad and desperate or terminally ill part of me. It comes from a basic human need to have community and in this case with other believers.

4. Asking me why I’m not married is not a helpful question.

I mean really do people expect me to answer that? Truthfully, if I knew why I wasn’t married wouldn’t that go a long way in helping me find a spouse? God gives us the grace to bear what He has asked of us, but this question tests that grace!

5. You’d be surprised what we would attend if we were invited.

There is a common misconception that single people don’t want to be invited if it’s going to be a group of married people or if there will be children present. I recognize that the true “season of life” that I am in is one in which everyone has young children. I get that and am happy to play fake “aunt” to children around the world. Life is not fair nor is it even. Inviting one single person doesn’t mean that you have to suddenly invite a second. Odd numbered dinner parties can be the best kind! We don’t need you to match make. We need you to be our friend.

So how does this knowledge help both married young adults and single young adults to develop a sense of community in church? Well,

1.  Singles are part of the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:14 tells us that the body is made up of many parts. The truth is some parts are single and some are coupled. 2 arms 2 legs 2 eyes 2 ears – some parts come in pairs but some parts of the body come single but are no less important – 1 nose 1 stomach 1 gallbladder.  We need all of these parts, both coupled and individual, in order for the body to function properly.

The way in which this body works best is when it’s operating all together and not segregated out with all the arms and legs together and all the noses in another class. We don’t want to be stuck in a singles group; we want to be included. Why must single adults always be placed in a separate group made up mostly of socially awkward weirdoes? I mean let’s be honest – you were already thinking it. Why can’t we be placed in a class with a variety of both singles and married couples within our age range? Let’s not be afraid to have life groups or class parties with odd numbered guests. You don’t need to “fix us up” or wink at us after mentioning that so and so is also single. Rather, let it be a non issue as we come together in unity and do life together.

2. The Psalmist said that the Lord sits the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) – this should be happening with the church family.

I have been so blessed in my life to have not only two incredible parents and a great sister but also wonderful families that God has placed me in. There are families all over the world where I am considered “Aunt” Sarah to children who do not share my blood. I have family because God placed me in their lives and them in mine. But why does this not happen more often in the church? I believe it’s the same reason why we don’t take time to get to know a new young couple – we are too busy with our own lives to truly take time to form the family of God. But, we must work harder to create this family.

Get to know the single adults in your church and invite them to be part of your family. You don’t need to start a new ministry in your church to reach singles just be more intentional in including the single adults in your small groups and encourage them to take their place in the family of God.

How do young adult leaders and pastors help with this?

1. Check that your language from the pulpit is inclusive.

If all your examples and illustrations during a sermon begin with “how many of you are married?” or “if you’re married then you’ll understand that…” then you may have a problem. Giving examples from marriage is not the problem – we can easily fit that example into our own relationship settings and experiences. The problem is that by beginning the story in a manner that excludes singles you alienate us and make it seem that we cannot learn from this story.

2. If the small group or class isn’t called young married then keep your curriculum balanced.

It is right and appropriate for marriage to be talked about from the pulpit. I want my friends to have successful marriages and be in loving relationships. However, if you’re going to do a 4 week series on healthy marriages then consider also doing a sermon on appropriate relationships in a single adult setting. We’re looking for balance.

3. Don’t forget that we eat dinner too!

When was the last time a young couple invited a single adult, whom they did not know prior to marriage, to their house for dinner? As has already been said odd numbered dinner parties are the best kind. Encourage fellowship between singles and couples of all ages.

When we come together in unity, as one body or one family in Christ, a beautiful thing happens. Suddenly we aren’t single or married we’re just people who need each other, brother and sisters who help each other, who encourage each other, who pray one for another. Isn’t that what church is all about?