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Confession 17: I'm Tired of Making Decisions

This has been one of those weeks. You know the kind of day where tears seem close at hand, sleep is hard to come by, and you find yourself worrying but you’re unsure about what? I kept going over and over again in my mind - is anything wrong? no. am I upset? no. do I feel stressed? not really. did someone punch, kick, or wound me? no, because I’m a grown up and not in the 3rd grade. Hard as I tried though I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled. Sometimes we just have weeks or days like that.

If I’m honest, I suppose part of that feeling could be coming from the fact that I do have some big decisions that have to be made in the coming months. Big decisions means lots of questions. Questions that end with things like - what will the tax implications be for that - and other such confusing sentences. Big decisions mean that there is a lot resting on the final choice. This is the sort of thing that one needs input from others on. Someone to ask - well, what do you think we should do? Someone to pass the buck on to in case down the road you find that you’ve chosen poorly and need someone to blame!

You see, the challenge of being single is that there isn’t a “we” - as in what should “we” do. It’s just me. There isn’t anyone to talk to or check with on these sorts of things. I can talk it over with friends, but at some point the conversation reaches a place where they say - but ultimately it’s up to you. There isn’t anyone for me to look at dumbfounded and confused and say - you decide it’s too much for me. Too much or not I’m going to have to decide some things on my own. And this has been one of those weeks where I’ve felt that it was all too much for me. Couldn’t someone else make the decisions? Couldn’t there be someone else in the equation to bring calm and clarity into the mix? I’ll bring worry and confusion!

I’m tired of making all the tough choices. I mean seriously, big decisions should not be left to me on my own! There are mornings where I can’t choose between the only 2 pairs of clean clothes in the suitcase; days when I can’t decide between a cinnamon dolce latte or a white chocolate mocha. And yet, God thinks that I’m up to the challenge of making super important, big decisions on my own? Something is so not right about this.

In my frenzied and worried state I all too often accuse God - well, if YOU’d just give me someone to help instead of leaving me to fend for myself then I wouldn’t have to be making all the decisions on my own. I’ll take any help you want to give here, God, a husband, a personal assistant, a housekeeper. I mean even the apostle Paul had traveling companions. Could I get just a little help? Then I begin to throw a fit and before I know it I’ve (figuratively) thrown myself down on the ground kicking and screaming - why!? Why won’t you give me what I want? Why won’t you do for me what you do for everyone else? Why do you always leave me alone? Why do I have to do everything by myself?

And that’s when I have to pause and reflect on what I’ve just said and ask myself: Do I really believe that God has left me to fend for myself? Do I really feel that God has left me alone? Do I really think that God is unwilling to provide the answer that I need? Because when I stop I realize that at no point in my life have I ever really made a big decision “on my own” - it was always been with the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit. The answer has always come, albeit, with very strange timing. Never have I been alone - not once have I boarded a plane, got into a taxi, worked in any country, or been awakened in the night in my own home that I’ve not been aware of His hand in mine. Not once has God left me to fend for myself, but rather His faithful hand of provision has been stretched out to me over and over again and He has meet every need, answered every question (granted not always with the answer I wanted), and made a way through every storm. So why do I get so upset and get so worried? I don’t know. It’s interesting to me how quickly I forget all that God has done.

I’ve been reading in the Old Testament and I find that I get so annoyed with the children of Israel. “Give us a king,” they cried, “We want to be just like everyone else.” God gives them what they want and they still aren’t happy. They follow God for a generation and then fall away from the things of God. A new king comes to the throne and they return to God and then the next passage will say that after that the next king did evil in the eyes of the Lord. I sit and read and am disgusted by how quickly they forget all that God has done for them. I’m bothered by the fact that they aren’t happy being chosen by God and instead demand to be like the other nations. Hmmm. I guess I have more in common with these ancient people than I first thought.

Yet, in His great mercy God continued to show loving kindness to them and He continues to show it to me as well. Even in the midst of my questions and my accusations God is there reminding me of His plan for my life and of His faithfulness to me. When I stop fighting and start remembering then I find peace in those moments. The questions are still there. Decisions still have to be made, but not on my own. I can relax in the goodness of God and in the knowledge that if I ask God then He will answer and slowly bring clarity to the plan that He has for me. So, God, what should “we” do?!

Bottom Line: We all have questions and worries and decisions to make, but God has never left me or you to figure it out on our own and He’ll not do it now. If He was faithful in the past, and He has been, then I’ve every reason to believe He’ll be faithful in the future.


Wow! That was super long, but I’m really glad I got all that off my chest! I apologize if this has been more of a journal entry than my typical blog, but it was cathartic to write and I hope it’s been encouraging to someone.

Confession 16: Being Sick is Awful

I live alone and I love it. It’s peaceful and quiet and everything is in its exact place at all times - because wherever I put it is where it stays until I move it again! I do things at my own pace and in my own way. I don’t need to ask anyone before I do something - I just do it! No second calendars/schedules/plans to check with. If I want to buy new furniture/bedding/clothing there’s no one to consult - I just buy it! I love the life I lead. 

But, there are two times and situations when I don’t like living alone. The first one is when I can’t open something. I had serious thoughts the other day of throwing a brand new jar of salsa onto the tile floor with some force and then eating around the glass. But, I am woman, and I tapped and twisted and got out towels and hit the edges and emerged victorious, albeit with very sore hands, 5 minutes after I commenced trying to open said jar. 

The second time is when I’m sick. There is, quite frankly, nothing worse than being sick and alone. It’s not the actual loneliness that makes it so awful it’s the fact that you begin to think you might actually die from lack of nutrition because the thought of getting into an upright position, walking anywhere further than from the bed to the toilet, and then having to smell food while cooking - well, to say the least, it just doesn’t appeal to you. So there’s no eating for days. 

Another horrible thing about being sick and alone is that there is no one to clean up “the sickness” except for you. I once got sick on myself and my car, and then had to drive myself home. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed once I arrived and have someone to take care of me, but first I had to clean the car, change my clothes, start the washing machine, etc. (I’m aware that this blog has taken a nose dive and has become truly disgusting, but there are multiple single people reading this and nodding their heads - you’ve been there!) Cleaning up while still sick is just wrong, yet necessary. 

You see, misery really does love company, and if for no other reason it’s because misery needs a cook, a cleaner, a water-getter, a dvd changer, and a blanket put over-er. 

With flu season upon us, and having dealt with more than my normal share of sickness this year, I have compiled a list of things to do in case of sickness while living alone. 

1. The first thing you should do is stock up now on cold/flu medicine. You’re not sick, you say? You never get sick? Oh, really. Well, the last thing you want to do this winter is wake up ill - so ill that the thought of putting on pants in order to drive to the store to buy medicine makes you even more nauseous - with the knowledge that you don’t have anything in the house to take that will make you feel better and you must, therefore, venture outside. You should avoid this scenario at all costs. Buy the cold and flu meds ahead of time. Trust me. 

2. At the first sign of sickness immediately go to the store and stock up on food that can be eaten directly from the package. Believe me when I say that even opening a can of soup to put into a pan and mix with milk and then stir over a hot stove until it boils is too exhausting when you’re truly sick. What you want are things like crackers, refrigerated soup that needs a microwave only, bread to make toast, cereal, etc. You might even make up a sandwich ahead of time and put it in the fridge! If there are more than 2 steps involved (step 1 being walk to the kitchen) then you don’t want it while sick. Take it from someone who knows - prepackaged/preprepared/ready to eat food is the way to go when sick.

3. Create a sick station in your house. Go ahead and pull out the blankets, the extra box of kleenex, get a trash can close, and a bottle of water at the ready. Maybe pull a favorite book, preload the DVD player, and keep the laptop handy. Fill up the coffee table with all the necessary items so that you don’t have to go looking for it all while dizzy from pain meds. Now you’re ready to be sick.

4. In the event that you begin to slowly feel sick rather than a wake up in the night kind of sickness or if you need to recover from a pending surgery/procedure think through your list of local friends. Have you upset any of them recently? Done a good deed that could possibly now be returned? You’re going to need some friends so make sure they aren’t all mad at you! Then begin working your way down the list. It’s important to sound as sick/frail/pathetic as possible on the phone when you explain that you’re alone and sick and haven’t eaten in 3 days and have no way to get to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription. I was sick a few months ago and couldn’t have made it without a friend dropping in to check on me twice a day. I speak from experience here - keep your friends close and on good terms.

5. If you begin to feel sick and live anywhere near your mom then forget the above list and just get in the car and try and make it home. You should probably be praying the whole time that you don’t have to pull over on the side of the road before you get there! There’s nothing like having your mom when sick. As a friend said to me - sometimes you just need your mom to take one look at you and declare, “poor baby, let me get you something to make you feel better.” And whether that’s medication, a glass of water with a straw (who else but a mom has straws on hand?), a blanket, or a homemade oatmeal cookie - mom’s just make us feel better.

Bottom line: Living alone rocks until you’re sick so be prepared. Hope you all stay healthy this season!

Confession 15: I Love a Good Compliment

Recently I was in Wal-Mart. Now, you have to know that I hate Wal-Mart. Despise it actually. It’s a place I avoid like the plague. But, a new neighborhood market had opened up so I stopped by to pick up a few things. The weekend before I had bought a new outfit and was feeling fairly good about it. That feeling was escalated when a middle aged man re-stocking the tomatoes commented on said outfit. I walked pretty tall throughout the rest of the day, and then proceeded to wear that exact same thing twice more that week! Why, you ask, did I care what the slightly creepy Wal-Mart produce man said? Because when you’re single and you live alone and you’re in your 30’s you’ll take a compliment anywhere you can get it - regardless of the source! 

This got me thinking. Words are such a powerful thing. How we feel about ourselves can rise and fall with what others say about us or on what others don’t say about us. And for women we take great stock in what the other sex has to say about us and to us. We live for compliments. Now, we’d never admit to that because it of course makes us appear quite shallow. However, who among us doesn’t want to know that someone else finds us attractive, witty, smart, funny, beautiful, etc.? We all do. We crave compliments. 

The problem with craving compliments and being single (or being married to someone who withholds kind words) is that we rarely hear compliments that aren’t of the “I love your bag where did you get it” variety from other women. I’m sure many of you reading this are of drop-dead gorgeous stock and are beating off the lines of men after you with a stick, but I’m so rarely complimented on how I look or am dressed that when it does happen I get so flustered that I don’t even remember how to accept a compliment. In the second and a half that follows I tend to convince myself that this is a joke and then say in a super sarcastic voice, “whatever.” By the way, this is not the way to get complimented again!

So where are we compliment starved singles supposed to hear these wonderful words of approval, encouragement, and affirmation? Well, I’ve been spending a lot of time hanging out in the produce section - I may or may not be joking. 

I heard a song for the first time last month and it’s been playing over and over in my mind and taking root in my heart. A few of the words are, “He [God] whispers in my ear, tells me that I am fearless....and it makes me whole.” The chorus says, “I am all He says I am, I am all He says I am ... and He says I am His own.”* This has been blessing me in such a powerful way. It’s easy to get caught up in wondering what others think of me and yet God has already said some powerful things to me. God says that I am beautiful - because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His own image. God says that I belong to Him - because He bought me at the price of His son’s blood. When I take the time to listen and to hear from God I find that He has all sorts of things to say to me. God wants to speak to my heart and minister His love, His approval, His encouragement, His affirmation to me and to you as well. You are all that God says you are - let that sink in - and God says that you are His. 

Now, is this the same as hearing complimentary words from some living, breathing, real life human being who you want to notice you? Not at all. Does it take the place of being told, by the opposite sex, that you are attractive? Nope. Then how does this help? Because in those moments when you want so badly to belong, to be loved, and to be seen by someone - anyone - that’s when our incredible, loving God, gently whispers to us - You are mine and mine alone and I will be with you in the loneliness and I will love you with a jealous love that will make all others pale in comparison. And after you try and explain again to God that it’s still not the same you’ll find (I hope) a peace in this knowledge that you are all He says you are. 

Bottom line: I wore the same outfit 3 times in one week because a stranger spoke to me and I now enjoy Wal-Mart for new reasons. We all want to know that someone thinks we’re beautiful/handsome (I’m always writing to girls!), but if you’ll allow God to speak to you He truly will satisfy the longings of your heart. “He says I am His own!”

*Taken from the song “All He Says I Am” by Cody Carnes

Confession 14: I Love a Good Wedding

“It’s that time of year/ when the world falls in love/ every song you hear seems to say” we’re getting married! Yes, it is the season for weddings. Pinterest has become the 21^st centuries answer to the hope chest and Facebook has become one giant countdown clock to that special day. I’m thinking of starting my own countdown for just random things like – only 6 more days until the milk expires and the bread goes bad! When you live alone it’s the little things that excite you, like, for instance, using an entire carton of milk when you don’t drink milk on its own. So, yes, I too am counting things down.

Ok, back to the blog. It seems as if this year’s brides are the youngest ever. No, wait, scratch that, I’m just getting older! Due to my age and extreme maturity I’m frequently asked/told/cried to – all my friends are getting married what do I do? Or, will it ever happen to me? Well, here’s my best advice. Do you remember the passage at the end of the book of John that has nothing to do with being single or weddings or marriage? Let me remind you. Basically what happens is that following the resurrection Jesus comes to Peter and some of the other guys who are out fishing and then Jesus gives them breakfast which is extremely cool and is actually making me hungry. (As a side note I do have milk in the fridge that has not gone bad so breakfast may be happening while I type.) The breakfast hasn’t anything to do with how this passage fits in I’m just giving you some background. (Hey, I’m jet lagged and hungry!) After breakfast Jesus and Peter have this whole moment about feeding the sheep and a call is once again issued to Peter to follow Christ. It’s sort of a no matter what type thing – will you follow me. But, Peter being Peter, he has a question, “What about John?” Jesus says to him, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Now, all of that to make this one point: If God wants every single person that you know to be married except you then what is that to you? God has a plan and it’s still at work and the plan for you is to follow Christ – single or married. To paraphrase, “God, what about insert-name-here? Why is she getting married and I’m not?” And the reply comes, “What’s it to you if she gets married and you don’t? You must follow me.”

That’s my best advice. Keep following no matter what. However, just for fun I’ve included some extra bits of advice to help you out as you attend weddings this season. (There’s a completely different set of advice if you’re finding yourself at the end of college and playing the always the bridesmaid and never the bride role. Really the best thing there is to simply move out of the country and not be available for the wedding season.) Some of this advice should be passed on to the married population.

Sarah’s Guide for the Wedding Season:

1. It’s okay to cry

Contrary to popular belief single people can cry at weddings simply because (A) the bride looks beautiful, (B) we’re truly happy for the couple, or (C) we’re allergic to the flowers. If you see a single person tear up at a wedding do NOT assume it’s because they are wallowing in self pity in public. “Ooh, I bet she’s wishing it would happen to her.” Umm, most of us have more pride than that and will wait until we get home from the wedding and have opened a pint of ice cream before we take just a moment for ourselves.

2. I don’t want your bouquet

Due to the fact that I have readers who may not be familiar with this fantastic American wedding tradition let me explain. Towards the end of the reception someone long ago decided what would be a great idea is to call all the single women from toddlers to those still able to walk unassisted to come and form a semi circle and then the bride would toss her bouquet over her shoulder and whoever catches it will, wink wink, be the next bride. The originators of this custom apparently set down and thought what would be the most embarrassing thing we could possibly do to our single friends and this is what they came up with.

Here’s the advice – your friend knows she’s single and that’s probably why she ran to the restroom when they started forming the circle. Married people you don’t need to go find her and/or shout across the room, “Get on up there!” As much as I love your flowers – really, they looked gorgeous – I don’t want them nor do I want to stand up with children and play catch at your wedding. So next time take note – if your single friend doesn’t move on her own to catch the bouquet then take the cue and don’t mention it. Fellow singles be alert anticipate its coming and leave the room ahead of time!

3. Come prepared

The worst thing about weddings is that people feel the need the say awkward things to those who are single. Things like – it’ll be your turn soon, or some day when you’re the bride…, or how are you making it today? Do weddings make you sad? So the best thing is to practice a few confused facial expressions that can accompany your responses. I like to act like I have no idea what we’re talking about. For instance, in response to “it’ll be your turn next” I might say “I sure hope I’m next this line for cake is taking forever.” I find it throws people off. Be gracious to those who haven’t a clue, but remember that a stupid comment or question deserves a like reply!

4. Be happy for your friends

To my single readers - If you can’t be happy for your friend who is getting married then you are the worst friend ever. Seriously. The whole world doesn’t revolve around your personal happiness nor should your friends walk on eggshells around you afraid that their happiness will upset you and make you feel more alone. Get over yourself and be happy for him/her/them.

Ultimately, a wedding is a beautiful thing. It’s two people coming together to commit themselves to each other and to God. In this world that we live in they need all the support they can get from family and friends to help them honor that commitment. I know I need my friends to help support me in the life that God has given me and I want to be a help and encourager to my married friends as well.

Bottom Line: Get dressed up, go to the wedding, cry if you want to, catch or don’t catch the bouquet, have your witty response ready and enjoy the day. What’s it to you if all your friends get married? Your responsibility is to follow Christ.  

Confession 13: Singles Can Build Nests if They Want To

Recently I found myself in a conversation with a married person who began telling me how difficult her life has been while living out of suitcases and boxes for the last several months. She said she just couldn't wait to settle down in one place and stop living out of the suitcase. She chalked it up to “nesting.” The next words out of her mouth were, “That sort of living is fine when you’re single or in college, but, I don’t know, I guess once you’re married it’s just not fun anymore.” I had so many responses forming in my mind, but I think I went with something extremely profound like, “hmm, really.” I felt it was the best thing I could say because I could feel my blood boiling and I knew I was getting angry. Instead I chose to memorize the conversation so that I could blog about it later! But, here’s an outline of what I wanted to say.

I. Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? You’re really going to tell me how hard it is to live out of a suitcase when I do it for up to 4 months at a time?

II. Did you really just compare singles to college students? Or were you just lumping us all in together? How old do you think I am? Because maybe there’s actually a compliment in there somewhere and I’m the kind of person who will take a compliment any where I can get one.

III. Are you saying that only married people desire a home? That having a home and creating a warm environment and taking pride in the way we decorate said home is something that only happens once you get married and that the rest of us prefer to live on used furniture? (Do you feel the heat and sense that my blood pressure is rising?)

See, point III is simply not true, and it makes me angry that people seem to wrongly assume that parts of that ultra long, run-on sentence are somehow valid. And, now you know why I bit my tongue super hard when it came my turn to comment.

This brings me to nesting. You oftentimes hear this word “nesting” in reference to pregnant women, but when I went to Google it I found that it really just refers to building or occupying a nest (well, if you’re a bird) or it can mean creating and settling into a warm and secure refuge. In other words it’s about creating a home. Granted, most Google searches do bring up lists of expecting mothers type results, but that’s what the term has morphed into and not what it was originally about.

I’m not a mom, nor am I expecting to be one, but I am still a woman who desires to make my home into a warm and secure refuge both for myself and for others. There is something so wonderful about home. Many years ago I found myself longing for a home of my own, and a house where I could actually spend my time. I’ve sort of been a nomad since high school graduation, and I wanted to settle into a place where I could unpack my suitcase from time to time. This was during the years that Matt Redman’s song, Better is One Day, was wildly popular. The song is based on Psalm 84. I remember praying to the Lord about this desire to have a home – I suppose I was nesting – and one night in a service where I was leading worship I began to sing this song and God spoke so clearly to me that I began singing the song in a different way. The chorus says, “Better is one day in Your house, better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house than thousands elsewhere.” And that word “elsewhere” began to mean any other home including my own. I began to sing with such conviction and such understanding that regardless of where I lived or how I lived (packed in a suitcase or unpacked) what I truly desired above all else was to serve God and be wherever He was. I truly meant it that night, and every day after, that I would rather serve God and be a doorkeeper in His house than have a home of my own.

A few years later God blessed me with a beautiful home. I’m still a nomad and I still live out of a suitcase most of the time, but I do have a place to call my own. It’s a warm and secure refuge, but not as safe and secure as the refuge I have found in God. Just last week my wonderful parents came and helped me do some things around the house. It’s so nice and now it’s even more warm and secure that I really have no desire to leave. Ever. But, as nice as it is, how much lovelier is the dwelling place of the Lord Almighty (Psalm 84:1). And that verse goes on to say, “Blessed are those whose strength is in you,    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.” So I’ll travel on to new places and other homes.

We all desire a place of our own. A place we can call home. That feeling is not exclusive to those who are married. It’s a universal, human feeling. I’m glad that God has blessed me with a beautiful home, but I’m even more glad that He’s gone to prepare a home for me in Heaven. I’m glad I’ll spend eternity with Him in His house. I suppose in a weird way God used that aggravating conversation to remind me that I am nesting. I’m cleaning out things from my life and moving things around so that when it comes time for God to birth something new in my life I’ll be ready.

Bottom line – I’m not a bird, I’m not pregnant, I’m not even married, but I am nesting and longing for home – a home in heaven where I’ll dwell for eternity with my God and my Savior.  

Not a Confession Just an FYI

Many of you have commented that when you read the blog you can hear me saying it in your head. Which is sort of creepy to think that I'm in your head for any length of time. Nonetheless, I know what you mean! So, if you'd really like to hear me you can click on this link and download a message I preached last week. The sermon was based on the blogs that you've been reading. Look for April 22 - Confessions of a Single Thirty-Something. Happy Listening!

Confession 12: I Love to Travel

I travel on a full time basis. I enjoy traveling and seeing new places; revisiting much loved cities and being with friends around the world. I don’t mind traveling alone either. It’s quite nice and I can go at my own pace. My travels have mostly been in Europe where I’ve seen the Eiffel Tower, the coliseum, and Mars Hill in Athens. I’ve seen the Mediterranean and where the apostle Paul was shipwrecked in Malta. I’ve seen the beauty of Prague and the majestic Alps, and the Berlin wall. I’ve also visited the Taj Mahal and the Sea of Galilee. The one place I’ve never been though is “out there,” and that’s the place where I really want to go.

You see “out there” is where God, in a completely uncharacteristic way, is hiding and keeping my perfect mate away from me. (See the last blog for my thoughts on perfection!)  I’ve heard countless times that somewhere “out there” God has someone for me. I’ve been told that he is just “out there” waiting for me. It’s even been suggested that I should go “out there” and find him and stop waiting for him to come to me. However, no matter how much I travel I just can’t seem to find this secret land called Out There. In fact, I’m starting to think it’s not even real.

There are a lot of fun facts about “out there” namely that only single people seem to live there, yet, interestingly enough, no one in “out there” seems to marry. If you live there you remain single forever. Weird isn’t it? Also, it seems that you cannot enter or leave this place whenever you want, but in a Narnia type way you have to wait for a secret passage way to open up to you.

This whole blog is rather absurd and ridiculous but so is suggesting to your single friends that the only other potential mates left to them are hiding and/or residing in vague places like “out there.” God knows where I live and where I am each day of the month – He keeps up with my schedule in a way that my own father cannot. God is not hidden from us and so, therefore, I have a hard time believing that God is hiding people from us either. God has a lot to do and I just really don’t think He spends His time keeping me away from the “right” person. Do you?

My real thought about traveling alone to destinations unseen (such as “out there”) is that God has set me on a journey – me and Him. Yes, traveling alone can be frustrating and lonely at times. It can wear you down and make you question God’s plan, but it has its good moments too.

The other day I took an unplanned journey by train. There were 4 unmarked train tracks and my train departed from track 5. Can you feel my confusion? I asked several times which track was for Budapest and finally found the right track. In the process of crossing over 3 other train tracks though I lost hold of the bags and they fell causing me to break 2 fingernails (life is so hard) and look like a complete idiot. It was not my finest hour. So now I’m about to climb into the train and the plan was to throw the laptop bag to the top of the steps and then pick up the suitcase and climb the steps with it. However, when I went to throw the laptop bag to the top the man in front of me reached out and grabbed it. I said thank you and went for the suitcase but before I could pick it up this same man grabbed it and lifted it to the top of the stairs and onto the train. He led me to a seat and placed my bags there and then walked on. The bags are quite heavy and I was so grateful to have had this man’s help. I set down and felt the Lord saying that in the same way He’ll take my heavy burdens if I’ll lift them up to Him.

Life is a journey and it’s too tiring to carry around bags of regret and frustration and bitterness about being single and never finding this person “out there”. So I don’t carry them. Living a single life isn’t easy but I don’t have to bear it alone. I can lift my burdens to God and let Him carry them.

Bottom line – “Out there” doesn’t really exist (gasp, shock), but adventure along the journey of life does. Get rid of what’s weighing you down and keeping you back from living the incredible life God has planned for you. Happy travels!

Confession 11: I Am Not Perfect

One of my favorite movies as a child (who am I kidding – it’s still a favorite) was Mary Poppins. I love everything about Mary Poppins. When she first comes to the Banks home she pulls out a measuring tape and measures Jane and Michael, but it’s a strange tape in that it doesn’t give their height as expected. When the children ask her to measure herself she obliges and then reads, “Mary Poppins – practically perfect in every way.” Ah, perfection! Who doesn’t want to be perfect?

I’ve discovered over the years that I’m no Mary Poppins – for one my love of children doesn’t even begin to reach hers – and two I’m simply not perfect in any way nor have I perfected any one skill. I’m a slightly above average singer but I hit as many wrong notes as I do right ones so I would hardly call that perfection. I’m a pretty good speaker and communicator, but with this same mouth I say horrible, sarcastic things so I can’t say that I’m perfect at that either. The book of James says, “If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man.” All of this leads me to believe that I am in no way perfect.

And yet I frequently hear that God has the perfect person for me. Really? I mean don’t get me wrong I’m delighted, humbled really, that God would choose to create a perfect person and then pair him up with such an imperfect person like myself, but I find it a little hard to believe. Now before you start saying something along the lines of – no one’s perfect we mean perfect for you - I’m   going to need to further address a few things. First of all, what does that mean perfect for me? Perfect for me today means someone that meets all my qualifications of tax accountant, bag packer, trash taker outer, and chef. But tomorrow none of those things would be helpful to me and would no longer make that person “perfect for me.” Secondly, perfect for me makes me wonder what I am to him? I’ve already established that I’m not perfect so can I really expect that when I take all my imperfections and put them together that I’m now completely perfect for someone else? This seems unlikely. And lastly, if God’s going to all the trouble to make perfect people why couldn’t He just work a little harder on making me perfect rather than bringing perfect people into my life?

You see, I’m just not buying this perfect person bit. Like I said before I’m delighted that God is making such a person just for me and I can appreciate that He’s just putting the finishing touches on him (although really how long does that take?). I can even be thankful that God’s been hiding him away like David looking after sheep so that in His timing he can be brought forth as King of my home. (Yep, you sound just as stupid when you say these things to single people.) Yet at some point I just have to stop and say – what the heck are you people talking about? Perfection? You’re making this up!! Think about it. Do you actually know any perfect people? My guess is no. And yet as I read through the relationship status updates on Facebook and see people become single again I find that this platitude of, “Don’t worry. God has the perfect person for you out there,” is used time and time again. So obviously you are taking this by faith – you’ve never met a perfect person but you are still hoping there is one and that he will be the answer to your poor single friend’s quest for true love. Your faith is to be applauded, I suppose.

I’m not going for perfection. At 32 I’m just going for good enough. I’m not perfect and I think it’s a little unrealistic to think that someone else will be. So I think I will stop trying to find perfection in a person and rather focus on Jesus – the perfecter of my faith. This sounds like something I can do. I can keep my eyes on Jesus who does in fact have a perfect plan for my life. It’s a plan that has lots of twists and turns and to my way of thinking a lot of unaccounted for obstacles but it’s an incredible path and journey that in the end leads to perfection – Jesus. I didn’t expect the perfect plan to include being single (and if I weren’t typing then I’d cross my fingers that this isn’t the forever plan but it’s so hard to type with crossed fingers), but I’m okay with this plan if it keeps getting me closer to Jesus.

Bottom line: I’m not perfect, neither are you or your spouse – lovely as he/she is. God may have perfection out there somewhere for your life but it might not come in the way of a person. It might come in the way of a calling, a friendship, or an artfully crafted meal. So the next time a friends status changes from relationship to single try saying something remotely helpful like – That sucks (cause let’s be real – it does), but God’s perfect plan is still being worked out in your life.

Confession 10: Sometimes I Need to Rant

This blog began several months ago with my thoughts on being single in church and the difficulties found in being part of the body of Christ as a single person. I’m revisiting this thought about what it means to be part of the body of Christ. The reason being that it is an important issue and also because I was shouting from atop my soap box on this issue to a friend and then felt that everyone should have the privilege of hearing my rant!

Here’s how it started. I was recently talking with this friend of mine and she mentioned that at her church her pastor was not a fan of mixed age small groups. In fact, the pastor went so far as to suggest that teens would not want to engage with older people and that the idea wouldn’t be given any more thought and that small groups would remain age specific. I know of another church where on a Sunday morning there are multiple age specific services all over their facility but never are all ages represented in one service.

This got me thinking – we have a problem. (This is where my ranting begins.) There is nothing wrong with age specific ministries (such as youth group) nor is there a problem with gender specific ministries, but if the only time you ever come to church is to be with people your own age then we are failing as a “body.” What we’ve done is put all the arms together in one place and all the knees in another and left no place for the nose. That’s not a body operating together – that’s a collection of parts. It’s great for the arm (or arms) to come together and make sure it’s all oiled up and strengthened so that it can best serve the body but at some point it has to join the body in order to be used to its full capacity.

(The rant is now in full swing – my voice is getting louder and louder and I’m going to need some Advil what with all the shouting going on in my head.) We in the church like to think that everyone is following the same life time line. You attend children’s church until you’re 12. From 12 to 18 you go to youth group. At 18 you begin attending the college class and start helping with the youth. At 22 you enter the young adult group and when you’re 25 you join the young married small group. Then at 30 you stop going to an age specific class and you only attend the main Sunday service with the rest of the young families and middle age families. Following that season of life you enter the empty nest small group and finish off your church career with the retired group.

And therein lies the problem. (Oh the rant has reached a feverish pitch now!) What if your life doesn’t fit the happy Christian time line? Where do you go if you’re 23 and unmarried with a child? Where does the military wife of 35 attend while her husband is deployed? Where does the 29 year old single go? You’re not an arm or a leg and there’s no place in the body for you to belong. You don’t look like everyone else so you don’t fit. That’s not right! Church is for the misfits not only for the cookie cutter look alike family! (In my mind I’m actually shouting this line!)

(In a much calmer, explanatory voice) The body of Christ is also the family of God. In a family you are not all the same age. There’s a variety of ages in a family – what an odd family if everyone in it was 13 years old. We need the wisdom of grandparents, the maturity and corrective hands of parents, the energy of children, the charm of babies, the adventurous spirit of the teenager that are found in a real family to be present in the family of God – the church. We need to be able to come together at some point each week or every other week and rejoice together and mourn together and learn from each other.

The scripture says that we are to make His faithfulness known through all the generations. If I’m only with my own generation then how am I to know about God’s enduring faithfulness?

Bottom line is this: we need each other and especially we who are single need others to share and do life with. Don’t put me in a class of other singles and tell me I’m part of the family of God (okay, I’m yelling again). God’s family is neither completely single nor completely made of couples. God’s family is rich with a variety of ages, genders (well, just the 2 but you know what I mean), and marital status (or is that statuses - once I start ranting my grammar goes bad.) So if that’s what God’s family looks like then why doesn’t the church look the same?

And so ends my rant. Glad I got that off my chest!

Confession 9: I do not like waiting – Part 3

Last week’s posts on waiting kept getting longer and longer, but here is the finale to the waiting posts.

As a teenager I repeatedly heard this famous phrase, “True Love Waits.” Which is a good phrase, I suppose. It implied that true love would wait for the perfect person and then they together would wait until marriage to have “the sex.” So when a Christian 16 year old was told that true love waits we expected them to keep their hormones in check for roughly another 5-7 years until married. The question is, “What are we supposed to do while waiting?” Well, no one ever said what we were to do while waiting because I suppose the plan was that we would (A) finish high school, (2) go to college, and while there (iii) date and find the perfect person. The reason no one ever explained what we should do while waiting is that no youth pastor expected the wait to go past college graduation. So for those of us who have been waiting for a much lengthier time I ask again, “What the heck are we supposed to do while waiting?”

 Well, here’s a short list of things to do:

Note: I realize that “True Love Waits” is referring more to the waiting of sex but that is a completely separate blog. You’ll just have to wait until I decide to get around to that one. In the meantime practice a little self control and focus on these other things.

1. Live in the moment

Being single is not a holding pattern that you’re in. There isn’t a pause button on life. This is your life – so live it to its fullest!

2. Stay Focused

Just as the watchmen (see part 2) had to stay focused on the job in front of them you too have things to do. Don’t dream so much about the future that you forget to focus on today. Stay focused on what matters – your relationship with God, your family, your friends.

3. Think Big

What are you waiting for? Do you want to finish your degree? Go back to school? Travel the world? Learn a new skill? Then do it. Being single gives you a great opportunity to do these things so take advantage of that.

4. Make things happen

If, as I said in part 2, you’re done waiting and getting married and having a family are at the top of your list for 2012 then stop talking about it and put yourself out there. If you don’t work with any eligible people, if you’re the only single at your church, and if after work you go straight home then chances are this time next year nothing will have changed in your life. So review the list in #3 and meet some new people because even if they aren’t single they probably know people who are. Get out and meet people and see what happens.

4. Enjoy life

Don’t become bitter about the life God has given you. Number one way to stay single forever – be bitter and make sure no one likes to spend more than 3 seconds in your presence. Learn to be happy with who you are and where you are in life. If you don’t like how your life is going then change what you can, but learn to say with the apostle Paul, “I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation.”

Bottom line – maybe true love does in fact wait, but your life doesn’t. I don’t really know what to do while waiting except to live my life. So I encourage you to also make a life for yourself that you want and then enjoy it.

For example: I graduated Bible College single – who does that?! So I moved to another country for a few years where I learned a lot about myself, allowed God to develop character in me and teach me things I wouldn’t have learned any other way, and made life-long friends. Then I made up a job that would allow me to travel all over Europe. Along the way I have come to embrace the life that God has given me because it’s ridiculously awesome and full of people, friends, rich experiences, and encounters.

So again I say: Don’t wait – live.

Confession 8: I Do Not Like Waiting – Part 2

So as I began to write about waiting I started filling up pages and decided that you probably didn’t want to read a term paper on the topic – although today’s post is quite the essay. So I’ve split it up into 3 parts. Although, the more I work on it the longer it seems to get! At any rate, here is part 2.

A few weeks ago I watched a video with a poet named Janette…ikz who spoke of waiting. (To view this video click here.) In it she references Psalm 130:5-6, which reads, “I will wait for the Lord, my souls waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.” As I’ve meditated on that verse I’ve begun to view “the wait” in a different light.

Now, not to get all sermony on you (although I am ordained so it’s okay for me to preach), but here are 3 thoughts on this verse.

1. The watchmen were active in their wait.

The existence of watchmen who would stand guard around the city at night can be found in ancient civilizations. They would wait through the long night ready to sound the alarm should an enemy approach. When I think about the watchmen I picture them waiting in the dark on a moonless night.  I imagine them just a little bit on edge and a little bit frightened and unsure of what was out there, but longing for the first rays of dawn. The knowledge that as soon as the first hues of (insert color here as I’m never actually up at dawn to see the sunrise) appear on the horizon their work would be over is what kept them going.

They had a job to do during the long night though. They had to remain alert in case an enemy came to surprise them in the night. Their job wasn’t simply to sit around and wait for morning. Rather they had to remain active to stay awake and alert and ready for anything.

This makes me ask – am I staying focused on the task at hand – the task the Lord has given me – or am I simply letting life pass me by today while I search the horizon for what’s ahead?

2. It is in God’s word that I will put my hope

I know too many singles whose constant hope is that they will meet the person of their dreams and fall in love and get married. Is that all you are hoping for in life? If so that’s a lot to put on your future spouse. I’ve put all my hope in this one basket – marriage. What if that’s not God’s plan for your life? Will you be okay? Will you still be able to hope for good things? Will you still be able to worship God will all that you are?

A few years back the song that we were singing all summer at our camps and programs said something along the lines of, “You’re all I need, You’re all I want.” I found myself boldly belting out that first line along with everyone else and then as I really listened to the words I realized that I couldn’t honestly sing the second phrase. God was not all I wanted. He was definitely all I needed, but not all I wanted. And to sing that would not only be a lie, but it would be like declaring that all my hopes for my future were being set aside and instead of wanting a husband and a “normal” life I would say I’ll want You, God, and only You and what You have for me. It would mean surrender on a whole new level. So for that summer I remained quiet during that song.  

But God’s word is full of good things and promises – He will fill the hungry with good things. He will set the solitary into families. He will be a father to the fatherless. God is love. He will never leave you or forsake you. God is faithful.

In these things I have learned to place my hope. I have learned to surrender and have come to a place where I can now sing loudly, “You’re all I want.”

3. I will wait for the Lord

Our lives are short and eternity is, well, long! (Could I be more profound?) Someday I will stand before the Lord and will be judged according to what I did for Him, not on how well I married. Waiting upon the Lord is good, but waiting for my life to start once I get married is not. God has given me all that I need for life (2 Peter 1:3) and that may or may not include a spouse.

I will wait for the Lord’s timing. I will wait for the Lord’s direction. I will wait for the Lord to speak and to lead. I will wait for Heaven.

I will NOT waste my time here on earth waiting for a spouse. I will NOT wait for my life to have meaning. I will NOT wait to fulfill the call of God on my life. I will NOT wait for marriage for my life to begin.

I’m done waiting – I never liked it anyhow.

I will wait for you, Lord, to speak and then I will act upon that. I will stay focused on the task that you have given me throughout the long night even as I look with hope to the horizon. Amen.

Confession 7: I Do Not Like Waiting – Part 1

Waiting is not cool or fun. I’m impatient while waiting for anything – the light to turn green, for a video to buffer, for the book I want to come out in paperback because I’m too cheap and/or it messes with my OCDness to buy a series in a mixture of hard back and paperback (weird, I know.) I don’t like to wait.

Somehow people get the impression that singles and waiting go hand in hand. We’ve been told it all our lives – wait for God to bring that special someone into your life, true love waits (more on that later this week), just you wait God’s just putting the finishing touches on the person He has for you. I feel that these are all sort of dumb things to say on many levels, but that’s not really the point of today’s blog. The point is that waiting has begun to have a negative connotation to singles. It implies a few things: (1) that there’s nothing to be done on our part – we just have to wait, (2) that waiting is bad, boring, and/or a giant lesson in practicing self control – because true love waits, and (3) that life is on hold until you get married – since we should wait and see what God has around the corner before we make any major decisions.

But, Christmas has reminded me that waiting can be good. You see as a kid we waited all through the Christmas season to open the gifts under the tree. We waited with great anticipation and expectation for what the tearing away of cartoon character paper would reveal. We couldn’t stand to not know what those gifts were. What did mom and dad get me? Finally the morning came that we’d been waiting for all month long. There was excitement as we saw the hoped for toy or doll, but part of the joy of Christmas morning was not in actually getting the gift but it was the anticipation of receiving the gift that had us so excited that we couldn’t sleep. In other words there is a joy and an excitement that comes in the waiting, in the longing, in the desiring of the good gifts that the Lord will bestow on His children.

Christmas, in the words of Charles Wesley’s hymn, meant the coming of the long expected Jesus. That waiting was full of hope for the promised Messiah who would save His people. Christmas meant the end of 400 years of silence. That waiting was full of expectation – when will God speak to us and how? Christmas, for Mary, meant that 9 months of pregnancy and a night of labor had come to an end. That waiting was full of anticipation for what this baby would mean to this small family and to a world in need of a Savior. Christmas is surrounded by waiting.  

The difference is that this waiting implies something good. I like that. Anticipating, expecting, hoping are words full of life. I want to expect good things to come into my life – people, experiences, the long sought after perfect cup of hot chocolate. I want to be hopeful for the future – future travel, future jobs, future shopping! I want to live anticipating what incredible thing God will do next in my life. Waiting isn’t a bad word; at least not when it’s filled with hope. I think the waiting is part of the gift and it’s the waiting that will make me cherish and appreciate the actual gift once received that much more.

I don’t like waiting, but I do like hoping! The best is yet to come!

There’s more to be said on this…..but you’ll have to wait for part 2!

Confession 6: I have much to be thankful for

Many of you will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week. Which means you’ll be headed home to visit with family. You’ll be another year older and another year single when you do so. Which means that you can rest assured some family member will say something quite stupid to you. In light of this I offer the following short list of things to keep in mind.

1. A ready response

I find that often times I have no ready response to crazy questions about my being single. I was once at a missions luncheon and a pastor’s wife asked me, “Who are you here with?” Meaning, which one is your husband because clearly you couldn’t be the minister yourself (she may not have meant it this way, but I can’t say for sure). But, I responded with, “Oh, just myself.” Really, that was my answer. I’m here with myself? What does that mean?

Another time following something I shared in a meeting I was asked this question, “Did I hear you say that ‘you guys’ were in missions?” To which my brilliant response was, “No, it’s just me – I’m just one person.” Seriously, aren’t we all just one person? Did that need to be stated? These are the stupid things I say when caught off guard. So come up with your answer to, “Are you seeing someone?” or “Still single this year?” or “Did you acquire any cats this year?” prior to arrival at your aunts house.

2. Some people are just stupid

Most people ask you questions with your best interest at heart. They’ve been married forever and are happy and they want the same for you. Many don’t realize that happiness comes in all sorts of ways – in pairs and in singles – so they can’t understand how you could be happy in a way that is opposite from themselves. Down deep inside your grandma (or whoever) loves you and that’s what prompts them to ask, at inappropriate times I might add, about your dating life or lack thereof. So for these loved ones remember that there are only a few holidays a year, have your ready response on the tip of your tongue, and just be thankful that people love you and care about you. But, there are some people who just don’t have a clue nor do they understand the pain that holidays or questions about your single state bring to you. And for those people the correct response to “why are you still single” is “I don’t know why are you still stupid?”

3. A pre-written note to parents

Dear Mom and Dad: We live in America. The year is 2011. Why are you still trying to arrange a marriage for me? Leave me alone. Sincerely, Your Loving Son/Daughter.

I would like to point out that I have incredible parents who raised me to be independent and go for my dreams. They do not pester, question, nag, or ask about my singleness. I am beyond grateful for parents who love me for me and are happy for me and the life I live. Apparently, though, this is not typical. I’ve discovered over the years that most parents of single adults are pushy beyond reason. I know this because I keep meeting those people’s parents. “I have a son about your age.” Good to know.

4. You have a lot to be thankful for

Single or married, currently dating or not since the Bush administration, there are reasons to be thankful. I personally am thankful that as I’ve quoted before, “The Lord sits the lonely into families.” I’m thankful for those families that have taken me in to their homes and in to their lives. I’m thankful for friends – both single and married and married with children – that make my life rich and full. I’m thankful for my family – a mom and a dad and a sister – who support me and encourage me. I’m thankful for a Saviour who became Immanuel and who died for individuals. I’m thankful that He has a plan for my life – a plan for me (since I’m just one person!). That plan may or may not include a spouse, but it does include love. The love of a Saviour extended to me day after day.

I am blessed and I am thankful and I hope that you are too. Happy Thanksgiving!

Note: My sarcastic nature was at an all time high when writing this one so keep that in mind.

My apologies to my cat loving friends and owners no offense was intended.

Confession 5: Single and Loving It is actually Single and Dealing with It

I recently read an article about a report featured on NBC’s Today Show. The article was talking about how many women are choosing to be single and are loving it. I have chosen to be single in the same way that I choose to have the flu or choose to have a window seat on a plane. In other words – I’ve been stuck with it. (In case you’re wondering I always prefer the aisle on a plane and am saddened beyond belief when I’m by the window especially for the long haul flight, but I digress.) I don’t remember ever consciously deciding to be single, but in case that has been the misunderstanding between myself and God then I’d like to go on record immediately by saying I did not mean to choose this.

When I was in Bible College we had David Grant (a well known missionary to India) come and speak every year. Each year he would tell his story about giving God his 20’s as a single missionary. Again, I feel there might have been some slight confusion on God’s part as I actually made no similar promise. I do remember promising – begging even – to be used by God however He saw fit. I just didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. Obviously, I meant I wanted to be used by God in partnership with someone else. Who knew that I needed to be more specific in my prayers?

Jesus was asked in Matthew 19 if it was better not to marry and responded, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.” And Paul agreed with Jesus (which in all fairness was his only option. I mean who sets himself up as a church leader and then disagrees with Jesus??) Stating in 1 Corinthians 7:7, “I wish that all men were as I am [single]. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” These verses imply that living single is a gift. Now I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the gifts of God but is there a way to exchange this gift? There seems to be a mistake. I didn’t put this on my list of gifts for Christmas. Did this somehow get slipped in between a new pair of jeans and a good novel? Single. I don’t remember writing that down. I didn’t ask for this!

So I don’t actually agree with Paul on this one. I don’t wish that everyone were like me (heaven help us if they were), and I don’t want this gift from God. But, there are two ways that I do identify with Paul.

1. I have found God’s grace to be more than sufficient.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul describes a “thorn in the flesh” without ever saying what it is. He only says that three times he asked God to take it from him and that God’s answer was simply, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I have no theological backing for this thought, but sometimes I wonder if this thorn was his singleness and subsequent loneliness. For me I would paraphrase this to read – I was given a thorn in my flesh – being single – and 357 times (last week) I asked God to take it from me but He said, “Sarah, MY grace is sufficient for you when you are lonely, when you are afraid, when you feel discouraged. It’s okay for MY grace is surrounding you.” Some even translate the word “grace” in this passage as “divine power.” God’s divine power to live with this thorn in my flesh is available when I ask. And so I ask. It is my daily prayer, “Lord, give me the grace to bear what you’ve asked me to bear.” And each day in a new way God answers this prayer.

2. I have found that I can be content in whatever marital state I find myself.

Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13, “…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Everything – live single, figure out how to do my taxes, get the oil changed, use a screw driver (I live a sheltered life) – everything through His strength, which again, is made perfect in my weakness. I am content with this gift that I did not ask for because it has allowed me to live out an incredible dream. I spend my life flying all over Europe working with incredible people, seeing breathtaking sites, and leading kids to Christ. There is a contentment that comes in knowing that you are in the will of God.

Am I single and loving it? Not every day. But, am I single and content and filled with the divine power and the grace of God to deal with it? Yes.

Confession 4: Eating is not just a social event for me

I recently read an article in the healthy eating/dieting/lose weight/eat only vegetables section of a magazine in which the author stated that eating alone is never a good idea when trying to eat smaller servings. I was offended on multiple levels by this. First of all, was this man (and I just assume it was a man as I can’t actually remember the author’s name) saying that it’s my destiny to be overweight because I’m single? And, secondly, does this person not realize that half the American population is single? What are we to do? Not eat? Well, I really don’t like that option. At all. So here are some things I’ve learned about eating/cooking alone.

1. Making pasta for one is harder than it looks.

I’m not really sure why this is, but almost every time I make pasta I find myself asking aloud, “Was I expecting an army?” I mean seriously, who exactly am I preparing food for? Noodles seem to expand in a way that is just amazing. The first time I finally got this quantity right I wanted to scream to the neighbors – or at the very least post on Facebook – that I am a pasta genius and have mastered the measurements. Cooking for one is a challenge but it can be mastered. [Martha Stewart has a section on her website with recipes for one person. I’ve not tried them but will soon. If you know of good recipes for one be sure to leave a comment below.]

2. Chicken is easier than beef.

I’ll never forget going to the butcher and asking for a quarter of a pound of ground beef (well, since I was living in Dublin at the time I actually asked for some amount of grams of mince, but that’s not really the point) and having him look at me like I was crazy and obviously metric conversion challenged. While my math skills are quite limited I did in fact know how much meat I wanted. He measured it out and then said to me, “This is what you said – you sure this is what you want?” I answered, “Exactly how much meat do you think I can eat? I’m one person.” This is the beauty of chicken. There is no measuring. If you’re cooking for one for the first time you should start with chicken.

3. Remind yourself while shopping – this is only for one, this is only for one.

My rationale regarding things like Oreo’s and boxes of Cheez-Its has been something like this: I live alone. I will be the only one eating this delicious, albeit horrible for me, treat. Regardless of when I finish this box of beautifulness I will have consumed the same amount of calories. Therefore, why not eat the entire gift from heaven in one setting. One day or over the course of two weeks it’s still just me eating it. This logic is flawed I know, but I haven’t really been able to spot where this thought process actually starts to break down.

4. Eating out is still an option.

I am amazed at how many people have never eaten in a restaurant alone. I had a conversation about this with a friend, who was single at the time, and had never eaten in a restaurant alone. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it I guess. So now every time I go out alone I feel the need to text him and let him know that I am eating in public at a table for one. It’s sort of fun, but it’s an art form.

A. Placement:

Don’t sit at the bar unless you are legitimately hoping someone will strike up a conversation. A small table for two, or one in this case, will work just fine. The four-top table with you all alone just looks sad.

B. Confidence:

Don’t mumble. Be confident when you say, “Just one.” No need looking sad and desperate or embarrassed for that matter. Every one eats – who cares who it’s with.

C. Chatting:

The wait staff really don’t care about your personal history or why you’re eating alone – um, I’m here on business I’m not actually a loser – yes, telling them this makes you seem much less of a loser. No, wait, it doesn’t. Just order your food and keep your conversation with the waiter/waitress to the same light banter you would if you were there with a group.

D. Reading:

Bring a magazine or a kindle but not a book. The magazine lays flat letting you read and eat at the same time. Reading a book requires one hand or elbow to be on the book at all times. So unless you’re eating a burger the magazine is the better option.

Bottom line – don’t eat cereal for every meal because you can’t be bothered to cook for one and don’t think that the drive thru is your only option for eating out. Be confident in who you are – a hungry, single person. Bon Appetit!

Confession 3: Lonely is different than alone

I live alone. Well, the few weeks and months that I am in my own house I live alone. Most of the year I live in other people’s homes with their families, or in dormitories, hostels, hotels, and other fascinating locations surrounded by teams of people of all ages. But, the few precious months of the year that I am in my own home I enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from living alone. I know exactly who made the mess – me. I know exactly who will clean up said mess – me. And I don’t mind if the mess stays there for a short time (I’m a little too OCD to let the mess stay for long). Living alone is good. Yet, I’m frequently asked, “Don’t you get lonely?” My thought is you mean at home when by myself? No, I’m not lonely when I am at home. In a crowd of people – say at church – now that’s a different story.

I think many of us, regardless of actual marital status, would agree with this. We can be in a crowd of people and yet feel totally alone and set apart. It can be a small thing that makes us feel this way. For single people perhaps it’s a couple holding hands or a prayer offered up thanking God for our families, but it’s just enough to remind us that we don’t completely fit in a society that revolves around families. Or so we think.

The most important truth in all of this is that while I may feel lonely from time to time I am never alone. The government census may indicate that I live alone but I know that this isn’t really the case (and no, I’m not seeing things or hearing voices). God promises that “He will never leave me nor forsake me.” Regardless of how lonely I feel God is always there. I may be home alone or feel left out and passed by in a crowd of people, but that’s different from actually being alone. That just doesn’t happen. I am so very grateful for this promise from the Lord. It’s the promise of Immanuel – God with us - all the time. In spite of my loneliness or my singleness He is always there for me, with me, in me.

I was reminded of this one night some time ago. I had been out with married friends and I was coming home in the car when I felt that wave of self pity wash over me. I thought about giving in to it for a moment – even contemplated stopping for some ice cream to go along with the huge party o’ pity I was about to throw myself – but then decided against it. Instead I began to say to myself – it’s okay, you’re not alone, God is here. And then of the 2000 or so songs that were shuffling on my iPod (I’m a little bit country; a little bit easy listening) my great uncle, Bud, came on singing an old Southern gospel song. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was concentrating on my “party” until the chorus began, “I will never walk alone, He holds my hand. He will guide each step I take and if I fall I know He’ll understand.” I love it when God speaks so clearly.

There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. I’ll never truly be alone and what’s more the God of the universe holds my hand.

Confession 2: I am a Teenage Girl's Nightmare

If lonely describes Sunday’s for me as a single adult then Monday is the complete opposite. I wake up Monday morning feeling confident and sure and of course completely exhausted. I mean who are we kidding, it’s still Monday and they aren’t exactly “magical” for any of us. But, the point is that 6 days a week (Sunday’s really take it out of me!) I live a very fulfilled and satisfied life because there is a joy in knowing that I am living in accordance to God’s plan for my life. You see there is no Plan B.  Just because I didn’t meet and marry during Bible College doesn’t mean that God had to quickly find the backup plan. God’s call is still there no matter what box I check on a form – M/S/D/W.

I am a teenage girl’s nightmare.

Some years ago I was preaching at a youth service and had challenged the students to truly surrender themselves to the Lord and be willing to say, along with the prophet Isaiah, “Here am I; send me.” Following the service a teenage girl came to me and said that she had felt a call to be a missionary for some time now. I smiled and said that was great. She, however, looked at me with something akin to the look a deer has on its face right before being struck by a car, and said, “But, I always thought I’d go with someone.” It was evident that my willingness to go alone had rocked her world and she was a little petrified. It’s nice to know I’m such an inspiration! I calmly replied – in a tone that I hope said I’m so not offended by what you’ve just said – that I’m sure God would bring someone into her life and when and if He did that she should cherish that person as a gift from God. Then I said to her – but if God doesn’t bring someone into your life remember that there is no Plan B. God called YOU to serve Him. Never forget that.

I left that service knowing that I had needed to hear those words that night myself. It seems that I need constant reaffirmation of central truths in my own life. It was a great reminder that regardless of who God brings in to my life the truth remains that God called me as a teenager to serve Him. At the end of the day I don’t get to stand before God and say – well I would have served you better or actually gone as a missionary if you’d sent me a spouse. I kept waiting for him but he never came so I wasted my life working part time jobs so that I’d be ready to go when my real life started. My fear in this scenario is that God will say – really, because I was waiting on you to do what I told you to do.

Being single or being married and having children is never an excuse for why we can’t serve God with every ounce of our being. Either God has called us as individuals or He hasn’t. And if one can put one thousand to flight and two can put two thousand to flight then married couples should be doing more and not less. All of us following our call, regardless of marital status, is what it will take to win our world. So let’s start or keep doing what God has called us to do and let Him worry about bringing others to work alongside us.

The First Confession

This blog first appeared on the Assemblies of God Young Adult website. It was published as two separate posts, but I've combined those into one super long post here.

The alarm goes off and I hit the bedside table trying to find the source of the noise and finally land on the snooze button. A few more snooze button pushes later I begin to wake up and realize that it’s Sunday. It’s hard to make decisions in such a sleepy state, but if I lay here any longer it will be too late. I must decide will I be going to church today? Here’s the thing – I love church. I love to sing and worship God and hear sermons that challenge me and make me think. These are important aspects of church but they aren’t the full picture of what is supposed to happen when we come together in community. But it’s the fellowship part that has me lying in bed questioning whether I’ll get up and go to church. I should go is my final decision and so I quickly get up and get ready and by quickly I mean I take my time half hoping that some catastrophe will happen that will cause me to be so late that it’s not actually worth making the drive. When no such travesty occurs and there’s still time to get to church I climb in to the car and arrive on time. I climb the stairs and find a place in the balcony at the end of the aisle and hope that no one asks me to scoot on down to the middle where I’ll be stuck. I’m not sure what my fear of being “stuck” is but in case of fire I’d like to make a hasty exit. So I sit and use the time to delete old messages from my phone waiting for the service to begin. We all stand then and begin to sing and I feel safe and happy and apart of things. There’s a time of prayer and I participate. Now comes the dreaded shake hands part of the worship service. One strange and overly hairy woman shakes my hand and asks if I’m new. “No,” I reply. I look around to see if anyone else is coming towards me and when I find that the coast is clear I sit down and begin eagerly searching the weekly bulletin so that I can avoid eye contact. It’s not that I want to be rude or unfriendly it’s that I don’t have it in me to explain who I am or what I do or that I’ve been coming here off and on for well over 10 years. I think if I had a more straightforward answer like I’m a teacher at the local elementary school and I volunteer at the local gym then I’d be more apt to make small talk. Unfortunately, I have a job that requires a 10 minute missions window to fully explain. Now that the hand shaking is over I settle in for the sermon. Altar call finishes and the final prayer is prayed. I look around for a moment to see if I can spot any of the few people I know. I don’t so I walk out to my car having spoken only one word all morning to only one person - the overly hairy woman. I get in the car trying to decide if I have the emotional energy to go and eat alone in a restaurant. It’s the Sunday thing to do to eat out. I decide that a quick sandwich at home might be nice and change lanes to head home instead. The tears are threatening to fall and all the while I’m saying to myself, “It’s okay, you’re okay. God knows best. He’s here. You’re not alone. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Jesus, help.” This is why I debate going to church every week. I go alone, I sit alone, I leave alone, I eat alone. I’m not a fan of Sundays.

This wasn’t always the case. Growing up as a pastor’s kid I loved Sundays. It was the day I got to see my friends and my grandparents. I was involved in all sorts of things on a Sunday – worship team, Bible Quiz, - and then we’d go out to eat. It was a family affair. Lots of people see it that same way and therein lies the problem for single adults. Most people go to church as a family and then go out to eat with another family and when you’re not a family then you don’t really fit. So how do we make single young adults fit into the church family?

I’ve come to believe that people choose a church based on three main criteria. They find a place where (1) they can be fed the Word of God, (2) they find community and fellowship, or (3) their family already attends (and probably multiple generations of that family). One may not choose a certain church for all three reasons but at least one of them will come into play. For me, I have no family in the area where I live so number three gets crossed off my list when choosing a church. As a single adult finding a place where there is community and fellowship is most important and yet it is the most difficult to find. Why is it so hard to find a church as a single adult?

Well, first off there seems to be some confusion on life as a single adult. Here are the top 5 things I want you to know:

1. A single adult is not the same as a single college student.

Contrary to popular belief we don’t carry on living the college life simply because we do not have spouses and children. We do go on to live very successful, busy, meaningful lives. We have mortgages, prepare dinners that never saw the frozen food aisle, and we buy actual furniture.

2. Singleness is not a “season of life.”

Being single is a marital status not a life season. Too often this gets said to singles implying that what we are currently involved in is simply filler until we get married and our real life begins. This also implies that God’s call, our career goals, and our current successes are all just part of God’s plan to lead us to that special someone. I don’t accept that. Either God has a plan for each person’s life or He doesn’t. Either I’m called by God or I’m not. It cannot be that this is the back up plan for my life without a partner.

3. Singleness is not a terminal disease. I may die single but I won’t die because I’m single.

I could have a very lucrative side job if I were to get paid for each time someone asked if I was married then tilted their head to the side looked me in the eyes and said, “I’ll be praying,” all while shaking their still tilted head. While I can appreciate people wanting me to be as happy as they are in their marriage (or maybe be as un-happy since misery does love company) it is possible to live a very fulfilled and on-purpose life as a single person. I’m not dying inside every time I attend a wedding or watch a baby dedication at church. My desire to be a part of family life in and out of church doesn’t come from this sad and desperate or terminally ill part of me. It comes from a basic human need to have community and in this case with other believers.

4. Asking me why I’m not married is not a helpful question.

I mean really do people expect me to answer that? Truthfully, if I knew why I wasn’t married wouldn’t that go a long way in helping me find a spouse? God gives us the grace to bear what He has asked of us, but this question tests that grace!

5. You’d be surprised what we would attend if we were invited.

There is a common misconception that single people don’t want to be invited if it’s going to be a group of married people or if there will be children present. I recognize that the true “season of life” that I am in is one in which everyone has young children. I get that and am happy to play fake “aunt” to children around the world. Life is not fair nor is it even. Inviting one single person doesn’t mean that you have to suddenly invite a second. Odd numbered dinner parties can be the best kind! We don’t need you to match make. We need you to be our friend.

So how does this knowledge help both married young adults and single young adults to develop a sense of community in church? Well,

1.  Singles are part of the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:14 tells us that the body is made up of many parts. The truth is some parts are single and some are coupled. 2 arms 2 legs 2 eyes 2 ears – some parts come in pairs but some parts of the body come single but are no less important – 1 nose 1 stomach 1 gallbladder.  We need all of these parts, both coupled and individual, in order for the body to function properly.

The way in which this body works best is when it’s operating all together and not segregated out with all the arms and legs together and all the noses in another class. We don’t want to be stuck in a singles group; we want to be included. Why must single adults always be placed in a separate group made up mostly of socially awkward weirdoes? I mean let’s be honest – you were already thinking it. Why can’t we be placed in a class with a variety of both singles and married couples within our age range? Let’s not be afraid to have life groups or class parties with odd numbered guests. You don’t need to “fix us up” or wink at us after mentioning that so and so is also single. Rather, let it be a non issue as we come together in unity and do life together.

2. The Psalmist said that the Lord sits the lonely in families (Psalm 68:6) – this should be happening with the church family.

I have been so blessed in my life to have not only two incredible parents and a great sister but also wonderful families that God has placed me in. There are families all over the world where I am considered “Aunt” Sarah to children who do not share my blood. I have family because God placed me in their lives and them in mine. But why does this not happen more often in the church? I believe it’s the same reason why we don’t take time to get to know a new young couple – we are too busy with our own lives to truly take time to form the family of God. But, we must work harder to create this family.

Get to know the single adults in your church and invite them to be part of your family. You don’t need to start a new ministry in your church to reach singles just be more intentional in including the single adults in your small groups and encourage them to take their place in the family of God.

How do young adult leaders and pastors help with this?

1. Check that your language from the pulpit is inclusive.

If all your examples and illustrations during a sermon begin with “how many of you are married?” or “if you’re married then you’ll understand that…” then you may have a problem. Giving examples from marriage is not the problem – we can easily fit that example into our own relationship settings and experiences. The problem is that by beginning the story in a manner that excludes singles you alienate us and make it seem that we cannot learn from this story.

2. If the small group or class isn’t called young married then keep your curriculum balanced.

It is right and appropriate for marriage to be talked about from the pulpit. I want my friends to have successful marriages and be in loving relationships. However, if you’re going to do a 4 week series on healthy marriages then consider also doing a sermon on appropriate relationships in a single adult setting. We’re looking for balance.

3. Don’t forget that we eat dinner too!

When was the last time a young couple invited a single adult, whom they did not know prior to marriage, to their house for dinner? As has already been said odd numbered dinner parties are the best kind. Encourage fellowship between singles and couples of all ages.

When we come together in unity, as one body or one family in Christ, a beautiful thing happens. Suddenly we aren’t single or married we’re just people who need each other, brother and sisters who help each other, who encourage each other, who pray one for another. Isn’t that what church is all about?